Holding Hands

Ok.  It’s 8:41 am, on Wednesday, September 5, 2012.

My little girl should be starting her first full day of school… right now.

Today is so full of firsts - first day of ‘real school’, first all day class, first time on a bus, first time buying a lunch in the cafeteria.  Oh my….how is it that she is perfectly fine, but I am totally overwhelmed?  Yesterday, I took her to meet her teacher and fill out paperwork for a half day.  It rained, and I got to hold her hand as I walked her to her new school.  Afterwards, we got to hang out together and have an 'adventure'. 

In comparison, this morning was so difficult. Dropping her off at Curious Kids for her ‘before-and-after school’ care was tough.  She was there for less than an hour before they put her on the bus to go to school.  I went over it with her…

M: “OK, tell me what is going to happen today”

H: “You’re taking me to that place to drop me off.”

M: “Curious Kids”

H: “Yes, Curious Kids”

M: “Then what?”

H: “They are going to put me on the bus”

M: “And where is the bus taking you?”

H: “School!!”

M: “Then what happens, you’ll be at school all day – and after school gets out?”

H: “School will put me on the bus”

M: “And take you where?”

H: “Curious Kids!”

M: “Then what happens?”

H: “You pick me up at Curious Kids”

We talked about her lunch money, her snack… and not to forget to take her nap mat to school.  She was so excited…ready to get started, ready to go into the room.   She has never had a problem moving on to new things and new places, never any tears, no clinging.  However, I was kind of a mess.  I didn’t cry, but I felt my eyes starting to water and I did NOT want to leave her.

Why?

 Seriously, I have been ‘leaving her’ all her life.  Wow, that sounds awful. ….awful, but sadly true.   I got six weeks of maternity time and then she was with Jamie.  That was the hardest one, I cried for a week straight every time I had to go to work.  It was the first time I had ever left her.  After Jamie, we went to Tutor Time for Pre-school.  Tutor Time should have been harder on me  (leaving her with people I didn’t know, all day school environment…) but it wasn’t.  I was really comfortable with that place and I knew it was right for us.  She was ready for a structured school environment, even though it was rough for her at first.   I am SO glad we went there when we had the chance.  By the time the next school year came by… she had worked the kinks out and was really thriving.

Then we had public school looming before us.  I went in and had her ‘assessed’ by the school – technically that happened twice, once at Comstock and once at Portage (but …yeah… Comstock doesn’t really count).  Regardless, the assessment at Portage allowed us a choice: ‘ability-wise’ we could put her straight into Kindergarten…she was far enough along that she would have been fine.  ‘Behavior-wise’, she really needed to focus on her listening skills and her concentration… so into the Young-5’s program she went…. half days.  Young 5’s was a really good decision, one I think I will be grateful for in the future.  Really.  Good. Decision. 

 She went to daycare half days with my good friend Emmy, so dropping her off there was not emotional in the slightest, I KNEW she was taken care of  *piece of cake*.  Then Emmy got a full time job, so her half day care switched to another experienced day-care provider near the school.  I was ok dropping her off with Karen too… I had been dropping her off to an adult her whole life. The only thing that stressed me out was Hailey having to walk to school.  I learned to live with it, and eventually it became routine.

Today was just hard.  I wasn’t prepared, I don’t know the people at all (Nathan did the Curious Kids registration).  I’m totally comfortable with her teacher… I think even more than her last one (who I liked very much).  However, I am still so stressed out… it’s the bus and the lunches and the

supplies… and all the new stuff.  I know that there are helpers to make sure she gets on the bus – 5^th graders to help her get to class if she needs it, teachers and volunteers (and on and on)…none of that matters.

It’s just that she is my baby girl, suddenly having to be responsible for herself - having adventures without Mom, without Dad.  To be fair to myself, I am not curled up in a ball under my desk cursing my working mom situation.  At best, I am fine.  I am functional.  I will get through this work day in a productive manner.  At worst… I’m a little stressed, a little… ‘watery’.  I’m watching the clock and mentally taking note of what she is doing at this very moment.

Last night I tried to get her to bed early so she could get some good sleep (didn’t work).  She ended up crying because she wanted me to be with her.  So... I crawled into bed for a snuggle, I think I needed one just as much as she did.  She grabbed my hand and said, "Mama, let's hold hands so we never get lost from each other.  I love you so much".

 Wow.  I cried.  I cried a lot more last night than I did today.

 

New adventures.... but I want to hold on to that hand so much.

 It’s 9:32 am, on Wednesday, September 5, 2012.  My little girl is in Kindergarten.

A Letter to Hailey on her 6th Birthday

Hailey -

I mentioned to a friend the other day, that my little girl was going to be six years old this week.  She got a big smile on her face and held up her fingers to show your age.... and that is when it hit me...

My little girl is on TWO hands now!

In that moment, time seemed to be moving very, very fast.  I suddenly felt like all the things I want to do with you - the things that I haven't had time for yet - needed to be done before my very next heartbeat.  I almost raced home to you... to make sure that your weren't taller or older and that you still needed me.  Then I took a deep breath and remembered that there is still time.  We still have time together, you and I.  Our whole family can  slow down a bit and enjoy each other in the present moment.  Hopefully, it will be a several more years before you decide your mom might be too old or not cool enough to hang out with anymore.  A time when we no longer share a couch cushion to watch a movie, but instead have our own spaces to occupy.... nearby but no longer together.

While each part of a child's growth has it's challenges and cherishes... this age, I think will be my favorite.  You are old enough to listen, follow through and be independent - so tantrums are rare.  At the same time, you are still young enough to love being with us... snuggles and kisses are still in abundance.  Our love is visible and physical... not implied or taken for granted.  Thinking back on that panic attack now, I'm grateful I had it. It made me think..."What am I doing to enjoy you right now... this very day, and every day...when you are at this incredibly special age?"

It seems like I am always busy...maybe that is an effect of 'working mother syndrome'.  I go to work, make dinner, clean the house... (and on and on).  Chores just seem to nibble away at the edges of my day until there is nothing left.  I want you to know that even on those days... I still notice you - I still hear you.  Sometimes, you are in another room, playing while I'm washing dishes... and I catch you talking to yourself.  You always say something to make me smile and I need you to know that....

I'm listening.

Occasionally, my days are so long that I turn around to find you already in bed, tucked in... waiting for morning and the next day to begin - when my list of things to do will start fresh again.  Those nights I often go into your room and sit with you while you sleep, laughing and wondering how you could ever possibly be comfortable in that position....

I see you, I'm watching.

Without question, you are the most important part of my day.  Now that you are growing up and becoming so independent, I often feel that I take for granted the time I have with you.  As a child, you don't understand the responsibilities that adults have to bear.... being an adult, I often forget that the most important thing to you is my time.  With this letter I'm promising you, my most precious daughter... that I won't let these days pass by any longer.  My daily lists will still be there, there is not bypassing the grind of adulthood.  But when I'm using my fingers to count up the things I have to do everyday... I'll look down, and remember that you are on two hands now.

I will be making a second list of things not to forget... and it will have only one word on it... "Hailey".

There is nothing in my life more important than time spent with you,

You are my everything Hailey.

-Love Momma

Melting Away

OK. Long time no blog...it hasn't been for lack of topics - that is certain.

Several months ago, Nathan decided to leave the mindless drudgery of the 'bug job' behind him and go back to school. I'm 100% supportive on this.... the bug job was a total dead end and they harassed his thoroughness and treated him like crap. Of course when he quit, they whined that they were losing one of their best employees (nope, doesn't make sense to me either).  He is back in school, happy.... and working on a new degree. He got a job (part time) at the place we originally met - D&W Foods. Glamorous? Uh.. no. Serving its purpose, absolutely. We are on a pretty tight budget, but we seem to be getting by without too much of a problem.


The new house has been fine - there are things that need fixing for sure, cosmetically and practical. We are doing these checklist changes slowly...due to time and budget (or rather lack of time and budget). We are in the middle of experiencing one of those cute new quirks of an unfamiliar home....


~ NO AIR CONDITIONING ~


One most days, this is not a huge problem - as we do live in Michigan, not Arizona. Weather changes are common, but heat is usually not a traumatic issue. However...the temperature for the past several days (and will continue for several more) has been over 100 degrees. Ridiculous. One of the quaint little characteristics about heat in Michigan is that is always comes hand in hand with massive amounts of HUMIDITY.... you know... the stuff that makes you feel like you are taking a bath in your own sweat.

If I wasn't pretty sure I have lived a good life up until this point... I'd swear I was in Hell. I woke up from a nap yesterday and my eyelids were sweaty!!! MY EYELIDS! Honestly, I didn't even know that was possible.

I haven't been this hot in... I don't know.... ever? Nothing is getting done in the house - no cooking, no cleaning. The closest thing that is happening to cleaning are the massive puddles of drool on the floor from the constant panting of the dog. I don't even mind stepping in them, at least it cools off the bottom on my feet (which, yes, are also sweating).

It's not just that the house is hot either. I realized this morning that all the stuff IN the house is hot as well. I put lotion on my face this morning...and it was more like I was basting myself in some type of cream sauce. Using my makeup brushes felt like I was rubbing a warm kitten on my face. Driving in to work today, I started mentally tallying all the aerosol cans in the house and making mental notes to put them in the basement. We are simply living in a giant crock pot with windows.

Our only saving grace is the window air conditioning unit that has been 'jury-rigged' into one of our ancient bedroom windows. We become refugees camping out in the bedroom once that blessed device is turned on. If I could give an award to an appliance... that little window unit would have a 9 foot bronze statue in our front yard. I'd hug it, but I'm sure it would fall out of the window - and without that machine, my family would slowly turn into raisins.

I joke to Nathan that years from now, we will look back and remember that first summer in the new house when everyone slept in one room together. "Hey Honey...remember how opening the door to the hallway was like a gateway to the surface of the sun?"   Getting into my black car with the black leather interior is the equivalent of riding a solar flare to work.  Yeah... good times, good times.

Yep, that is how the summer of 2012 will go down in the history books... that is if those books don't spontaneously combust.

Maybe I should move the history books into the basement too.... hmm....

Valentines and Volunteering

So, January passed with little to no ground breaking events happening in our household. This winter may go down in history as the mildest snow season in Michigan history. It is February 15th and I could count the days that it has 'really' snowed on one hand! I even saw people in shorts on Super Bowl Sunday!! Just so there is no confusion...I'm not complaining...I love it! With 20 extra minutes of driving tacked onto my daily commute, I'm certainly not shaking my fist at the skies wishing for a blizzard.

One of the main reasons nothing happened in January is that I found the Pinterest website and I have a problem ~Total addiction~.

If you don't know what I am talking about, Pinterest is basically a website for sharing ideas, things to create, recipes... anything. It is cocaine for crafters, a giant cork board to store project ideas and inspirations. The amazing thing for me is that I have actually been MAKING the stuff that I pin... YEAH... seriously. We no longer have cable at the house, so my nights have been filled with crafts and Netflix. I just finished making these giant Valentine envelopes for Nathan and Hailey (I still have to put Nathan's name on his). The idea is to hang these on their bedroom doors a week before Valentines day, and to put a love note in each day to open and read on Valentines Day! Genius! So cute and more personal then buying a card from the store (and cheaper too). I'll have to make myself one... once the craft store restocks their red felt.



Speaking of Valentine's Day, it was yesterday.... and I had the delightful volunteer opportunity to run one of the games at Hailey's Young 5's school party. Fun! With the exception that the lady in charge gave me very little warning and/or information in which to plan my game, things went really well. I made a couple of heart shaped bean bags and the kids threw them at pieces of candy that I scattered on the floor (which they then were able to keep). It quickly became obvious that I'm not the typical mom who sits at the kiddie table instructing the kids how to make flowers out of tissue paper. I was all.... "All right Oval table!!! Are you ready to rock some BEAN BAG tossing?!?! YEAH!!! High Fives!!"

Hailey was SUPER excited to have Momma in her class.... she had some trouble staying in her seat because she wanted me to be with her, which was nice. Lots and lots of boys in that class, so she is in her element. It also became very clear to me that the lack of noise in my daily job has completely skewed the volume level I perceive the world should function at. I never thought I had a low tolerance for noise...but I think I do. It was very difficult to concentrate. Luckily, throwing a beanbag didn't take a lot of complex explaining on my part.

While I had a lot of fun watching her interact with her classmates, I would like to lodge a complaint. This has nothing to do with yesterday's party or Hailey's class. I am a little irritated with the general volunteering atmosphere at her school. There are apparently very, very few ways that a working mother can get involved. Yeah, I get that it's a trade off. I work, so I can't volunteer for some of the daily things that her school and class need. I can't go in to be a computer lab helper every Tuesday at 2:00pm, or a book reader Wednesdays at 1:00. I was only able to go yesterday because I took the day off. It was important to me (as well as Hailey) that I participate with her class. However, I think that I should be able to attend PTA meetings if I want to... or any of the other important meetings, but I can't. Those are during the work week.

I haven't felt this bad about being a working mom since the first month I went back to work. Back then, I had to deal with the fact that her first steps may take place at daycare. I learned to live with Hailey calling Jamie "Mommy". I could hardly tell my toddler to please wait to learn to crawl until 5:01. However, I don't see why I have to be excluded here. Parent meetings could just as easily take place in the evenings.

On Friday, Nathan and Hailey get to go to their first Father/Daughter Dance. Awesome! I also signed myself up to make 2 dozen cookies for the event. I was revved up about what to make... until I got the e-mail that they have to be delivered between 8:30-3:00 at the school on Friday. That will be a neat trick for me as I work 40 minutes away. Maybe I can Fed Ex them.

OK... to be totally honest, going to a PTA meeting isn't on my bucket list of things to do before I die. BUT what I don't like is not even being able to have the option of going. Maybe there are so many stay at home moms involved because we are still at a young age for our kids, or this particular school has lots of single income families. Whatever. I have absolutely nothing against stay at home moms... in fact, I'm jealous of them (very jealous sometimes). However, call it working mom paranoia...but I get the feeling that some of them have a problem with us.. as if this was a choice we made not to stay at home with our kids. I HAVE to work... and I care about being involved with my daughter. I am not some anomaly.

But you know what... I've seen it. The past 8 years of working with high school kids, I have seen the kids who have parents that brush them under the rug because they are too busy. Nope, not gonna happen to my girl. But, she's not going to have to peel me off her either... that is just the opposite side of bad parenting. She is going to know I'm there. She is going to see me in the stands or in the audience. I'm going to be a booster, a supporter and PTA member... if I choose.

I'm going to bring home the bacon..... AND make cookies for the dance - overnight shipping if necessary!

A New Year's Resolution

"Just because everything is different, doesn't mean anything has changed..."

I have remarked constantly in blog posts, and in general, about how different so much of my life has become over the course of this past year.

New stuff is all around me...
new schedules,
new challenges,
new surroundings.
Everything.

However as I sat here thinking about what to write, I came across that quote above and it struck me. I finally realized, on New Year's Eve, that regardless of everything that has transpired in 2011... nothing really has 'changed'.

Am I a different person then I was a year ago...? No, I don't think so, not really anyway. I laugh at the same things, I eat the same foods (sometimes to my detriment... OK most of the time it is to my detriment)... and I love the same people. My thoughts and feelings remain fairly consistent to who I believe myself to be. Some of my opinions may have softened throughout the course of the year, but the core of who I am and how I respond to others, is as it has always been. Nothing has changed.

All that has happened is that I have made a year's worth of mistakes while learning a year's worth of knowledge. Some of it I have always understood, even if only in an abstract way. This past year I have had the opportunity to fully experience the truth of it all.

I've learned that:

* Happiness really does have more value then any amount of money.
* Change is far scarier in your imagination then it is in your reality.
* If you don't stand up for your own feelings, you loose all respect for yourself, and so will everyone else.
* How much I enjoy an activity depends about 95% on the people that I choose to do it with.
* Not everyone thinks before they speak, which makes it even more important for me to think before I act.
* The happiness of those I love is more important than my own, but if I'm not happy... they won't be either.
* Creating something myself means more to me then spending money on it.
* Sometimes the most surprising friendships are the most rewarding.
* Listening to someone talk is different then just hearing the words come out of their mouth.

All I have to do to be satisfied with the course my life has taken, is to stop thinking about what I want it to be and start looking at what it is. It's a life filled with equal parts of frustration and laughter. One with high points, and low valleys - but mostly, it is a life that consists of middle ground, ordinary, routine days.

Average days, in which not much really changes. I'm OK with that, in fact... I'm more than OK with it. I am going to make it a point, a goal, to embrace my 'everydays'. To find joy and serenity in the little pieces that would normally get overlooked - walking the dog, pizza dinners, skinned knees and even...yes... buying snow pants. I think that is going to be my New Year's Resolution - to have as many ordinary, frustrating, laugh-filled days as 2012 can handle.

Let that be my wish for you as well....

that your mornings be greeted with bedhead hair and cereal with milk...
afternoons filled with a 9-5 grind, but a happy place to drive home too...
nights of favorite TV re-runs and bedtime kisses from those you love most...

and a year full of different happenings and altered paths... where very little really changes.

Holidays 2011 Style

Hey everyone - time for a holiday update and 'end of year' wrap-up.

What a crazy freaking year it's been... new job for Nathan, new school for Hailey, new house for everyone. So many changes (most of them for the better) I can't even wrap my head around them all.

Nathan's job, while far from being ideal, is settling into a rhythm. However, we are still keeping our eyes open for something which will uses his skills a little better and be a little more fulfilling.
for the moment, it is working out OK... much better then the roller coaster that his old job was (it's nice to have him home before 10:00 pm).

Hailey is doing great in her new school. We learned from our first parent/teacher conference that she is mastering the skills she should be and only has a few that are 'developing skills' **ahem... listening..cough cough**. Her new sitter, Miss Karen, is also working out fine...a little more activity then at Miss Emmy's house, but she has settled into a routine there as well.

The holidays were really good. The Yost clan all came over for an early Thanksgiving, and I am proud to say that the meal was great! The kitchen was completely set up and organized, so things went rather smoothly. We spent the actual day of Thanksgiving at my parents house - another great meal. A very relaxing weekend made nicer because we didn't have to drive 20 minutes to get to my parents.

Christmas was just this past Sunday and we had a house full of guests. Brian, Laura and Mom and Dad Yost stayed Friday night, then...

** sorry - had to take a break to put together a Lego Harry Potter set that was a Christmas gift from Uncle Ken **

Brian and Laura left for her family's celebration on Saturday night and we had our company through Monday morning. The house was great - it was big enough that we weren't tripping over each other, but I could be in the kitchen and not feel totally left out.

My Christmas decorations were a little on the sparse side this year... but I have plans next year for that gigantic mantle in the family room. On the plus side, while our Christmas took up a large part of the living room, we still had the family room to relax in. I'm loving having more space.

It's a good thing too... Hailey got so many gifts this year, I don't' know what we are going to do with all of them. Cool clothes and dolls, the previously mentioned Lego set, a reading game for her Leapster a kaleidoscope which she loves and...a great big dollhouse from Santa. This thing is HUGE!! It came unfurnished, but my mom quickly took care of that problem with 6 sets of furniture! Only child spoiled syndrome...? No, not my kid.

Nathan got a Playstation 3 and has been playing it when he gets home at night. It reminds of the days early in our marriage when I used to fall asleep on the couch while watching him play video games. Ah yes... life was so much more exciting for us before we had our kid...um...yeah.

As for me, I have this week off and I have decided to wage war on my bathroom floor. I'm thinking that will be a blog post all its own, as I am learning as I clean. This floor has become, not just my continuing household nemesis, but something of a guide to self discovery. That is a story for another time.

New House Halloween

OK... October 31 - Happy Halloween everyone! I'm just sneaking this month's blog post in under the wire.

Our household has been pretty busy unpacking and getting things put away. We are FAR from being finished, but the house is now at least in a workable state.

Yesterday, I took the dog for a long walk on the trail that runs behind our new house (yes... no neighbors live behind us... just a big yard with a great walking trail in back). The part of the trail I took led behind the houses on our street, and (of course) I was comparing fences and landscaping and getting some ideas for the future. On the way back, I walked behind our house and when I looked up at it... and finally had that moment....

"Holy Crap. That is our house. We actually live there".

We have been so involved in fixing the roof and the plumbing, unpacking and getting the house livable in general, that I haven't had time to just sit back and really look at it.

I am really happy. I still can't believe that we live where we do, in the house that we have. The fact that it happened so quickly and (in retrospect) easily...is just the icing on the cake.

When we moved into our old house, most everything we did was cosmetic and we did it just because we wanted to. We didn't have to make the house 'work' (and it was just the two of us), so I got to personalize it right from the start. Now I'm finding I have to hold back on that part, and it's driving me a little crazy. I had to make a pact with myself that I will not buy any paint until every box is either unpacked or in the basement for storage. Given the chance, I would have painted the upstairs bathroom before I had even found our silverware - that is just the way I am wired, I guess.

Now tonight, we get to have our first 'holiday' at the house. There is no better time to get to know your new neighborhood then Halloween! We had to buy a lot more candy for this house then the last one, and I hope we have enough. Hailey is really excited - she had her first school Halloween parade on Friday and she was adorable! There was no wavering this year, she wanted to be a vampire and stuck with it. She's lucky we found her costume or she would have had to go as a moving box.

Nathan and I got to go to our two annual Halloween parties - Seth and Jamie's where the food is fantastic and the guests are so nice - and Robert and Nick's crazy, over the top party that is so amazing everyone wonders what they can possibly do next year to top it (yet they always do). This year my favorite was Robert and Nick's 'Bates Motel' themed bathroom, complete with a pressure sensitive trigger under the bathmat, that lit up the shower curtain when stepped on. I also couldn't seem to stop munching on Jamie's yummy, spicy guacamole dip (recipe please!).

On a less frightening note...

Hailey seems to be warming up to her new school. At least, she no longer responds with "Lame" when I ask her how school was. Her handwriting is getting much better and her behaviour... well... a little more disciplined. I'll know for sure how she is doing later this month when I have our first parent/teacher conference. We did have to switch her after-school care provider as Miss Emmy got a new job (Congratulations Emmy!). In fact, today is the first day at Miss Karen's. I think it will be fine, Karen's place is full of activity - which Hailey will love. I have learned to relax (just a little bit) with her care providers. That has not been an easy road for me, since she is still my baby girl.... but I'm learning too.

Tomorrow starts November and the holiday season. Will the house be ready in time to host our Second Annual Yost Thanksgiving? I really have no idea. We did finally order a new fridge yesterday, so at least we will have a place for the food. However we may be sitting on boxes at dinner.

Holidays at the new house... how will the turkey cook in the new oven? Will we have our serving plates unpacked...will we even have time to find the Christmas decorations? Stay tuned!