We had another pretty good weekend, our power stayed on (which is a nice bonus lately), the weather was good, and we threw a big party for my brother-in-law's 30th birthday. All in all, it was a decent, but not relaxing weekend.
However, last week...
last week we had a 'moment'...
last week we had an 'issue'...(curious yet?)
Last week we had our first, really bad... public tantrum.
When I say really bad, I'm not exaggerating (as I am genetically prone to sometimes). It was a total Chernobyl meltdown. How I carried her out of the store as she was attacking my head like a wildcat, I'll never know. We sat in the parking lot for an eternity trying to get her into that car seat. I even had toddler tantrum snot on the ceiling of my car. I remember the days when I was single, or the days when I was happily married yet childless...when I would watch a child throw a gut-busting, fist-flinging, public tantrum and think to myself...
"I would never let MY CHILD act like that in public"
Heh
...live and learn. In fact, I learned several things about tantrums during the 45 minutes she screamed her head off last week.#1. It doesn't matter how good your child is, they WILL have a PDM (Public Display of Mad) eventually. I don't care if your child fell from the heavens on a white fluffy cloud sporting billowy soft angel wings - every toddler becomes 'THAT child' eventually. Hailey has always been good in public...always! O.K., there was one time that she flung a plate like a frisbee at Red Robin, but honestly, 99% of the time she is really patient. However, everyone has bad days. I guess at 2 years old, not getting a nap is equivalent to an adult getting a flat tire on their way to a job interview.
#2.
It isn't always the parent's fault. That was an epiphany for me. In the past I would watch other parents handle their own PDM problems and assume they asked something unreasonable of their child or they had just lost their patience and done something insensitive, or they just were ignoring their kid. I really thought that if you took time to understand the deeper meanings behind misbehaviour, you could diffuse it. Maybe that is still the case - in some situations. However...I didn't do anything... she just lost it. I gave her choices, I was patient, I tried distracting her, asked her questions, let her cry it out, everything...but I also stood my ground and that is what her problem was. Even if I had wanted to give in I couldn't have, because I didn't know why she was crying in the first place.#3.
If you can 'tag-team' a PDM, do it! I was very fortunate to have 'daycare Jamie' with me. I describe her as daycare Jamie instead of 'my friend Jamie' only because I have lots of friends who, if they had been with me, would have looked at at Hailey like a hot potato (as I would have 3 years ago). Daycare Jamie not only has battle hardened tantrum experience, she also understands my daughter like no one else (beyond her dad and I) can. I dealt with as much of the uproar as I could, but there came a time when I just had to walk away... *tag* Jamie is in the ring. If not for that, I probably would have started crying myself. Plus, I had the added benefit of having her reassure me that not giving in was the best thing I could do - even when I felt like nothing I was doing was right.#4. If the tantrum is long enough, or embarrassing enough, there comes a time when you begin to wonder if parenting was a wise choice for you. While that may sound like a joke, it's only because you are not reading this with a fussy baby or a sleepy toddler screaming in your ear. You really start to second guess some of your decisions - "should I have bought the toy?" "should I have left the store?" "Will I ever want to leave the house again before this child is old enough to vote?". I can reassure you - that is your frustration talking. Don't believe me...? Later that same night, sneak in and watch your child sleeping... ask yourself again if it is worth it.
Tantrums, like everything else, will pass. Battles will be won, and lost, perceptions will change. The next time I see another parent dealing with a PDM, I will not roll my eyes and assume they are inept. Instead I will raise my fist in the air and shout "Stay Strong Brother!" Because behind every tantrum is a parent who is holding their ground. For every crying child, there is an adult who has learned about patience, hard work and respecting others. At the end of the day, you are the one that is responsible, not for your child's behavior, but for the lessons you teach them when they aren't behaving.
