Upbeat vs. Downbeat

If you know me personally, I think you would agree that… I’m a pretty upbeat type of person. I would say that 90% of the time, I am a happy camper – willing to do just about anyone a favor at work or in my personal life. Get to know me a little better… and you may start to notice the things that irritate or upset me. I may confide my worries and fears, but those are fairly short lived. I empathize with others and I openly feel my emotions, but almost always my glass is half full. I like my life like that.

Life is too short to be anything less than happy. Really.

But this year…this year has been a rough one…from the very beginning it just seems like one thing after another. 2010 had barely hit the snooze button on the New Year’s Eve alarm clock when I lost my grandmother… my last remaining grandparent. That was hard, but even then there was some silver lining under the surface. Her life was long and full, her passing was short yet loving…and… some old walls came tumbling down - walls that had been in place for as long as I can remember.

If that had been the only thing the year dropped, it would have been enough. However, it didn't just end there. I have been to more funerals this year, then in the first 25 years of my life. Stan, Mark, Mr. Prine...each one of them affected me in a different way, each one made me question some part of myself and how I am perceived by others. This year, many people I care about also lost friends and relatives. 2010 was relentless, unwavering and indiscriminate about whom it touched.

Even midway through the summer, the uncertainty about our jobs and the economy didn't help to ease the tension. When you hate your job, it’s easy to say that the money isn't worth it…until you think about what that bottom line really means. Is the grass really greener on the other side…or is it just…more grass? The job stress still lingers, with no immediate solution in sight. 2010 took the wheel, and it felt like I lost control, that all I could do was react.

But now I’m just whining. I've done that lot this year. So many people have things far worse than I do. I know that, I do.

Besides, this past year has had high points as well as its low points. Of course, Hailey is always a joy and a gift. Regardless of what I felt on the inside, she never ceased to be the brightest light on a dark day. Having her around makes anything that life decides to throw at me… feel like a Nerf ball. I hope she someday understands that type of power with a child of her own.

Specific happiness has come from a variety of places:

My sister-in-law Angie decided to move back home after years of living down south. The time spent with her in just a few short months has changed us for the better. She is a magnet that keeps so many people together, I’m glad Hailey will have a chance to really get to know her aunt.

Our good friends Seth and Jamie were finally blessed with a pregnancy and a beautiful baby girl. Knowing first-hand about the struggle for pregnancy, I am overjoyed for them. Some people are meant to be parents and I can’t think of two people who deserve that honor more.

I have a couple of friends who are close to my heart... finally find the right people (not each other) to share their own hearts with. Robert and Palee have waited so long for these feelings that the sparkle in their eyes is… almost amusing. It is fun to watch their excitement build, they are an important reminder to me… that sometimes love does win.

I wish love always won.

Death isn't the only way in which I have lost the people who are the most important to me this year. My inner circle has been altered, and that has been the hardest hit. It has always been a curious phenomenon to me... when bad things happen...how a heart that seems so empty, can feel like it weighs so...so much. It may take a while to remember that the good feelings that I have, will always be there, no matter what. Eventually, I'll feel them again. No...things won't be the same...but great memories remain. Relationships can change, but love doesn't....it can't.

Even though I am ending this year on a downbeat…I can’t help but look around and notice how beautiful the world really is. It is December and the lake outside my window has gone to sleep for the winter. The landscape is cold and quiet, but incredible... even the ugly parts are a miracle.

Even the ugly parts.

Behavior 101

I promised you a blog about my first 'parent/teacher conference' at Hailey's school...so here it is.

I alluded in my previous posts, that Hailey's first school assessment was not entirely positive. Educationally, as a four year old, she appears to be fine, a normal four-year-old. But behaviorally, she is having some difficulties. She apparently has some serious listening problems (really..what 4 year old doesn't?).

Plus.. she also 'teases' her classmates to the point that many of them don't want to play with her. Her teacher worries about her being shunned by her peers and friends when she gets 'too aggressive' (using that word loosely...as she doesn't get physical). Their solution is to take steps with Hailey to get her to 'listen to her friends words' and acknowledge their feelings about how she is treating them.

Understood...agree 100%. She needs to learn how to get along with others...I'm pretty sure that is what pre-school is all about. Honestly, I think that is what 90% of life is about, so sure...she should start now.

As her mother...I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole talk with her teacher. It was a couple of weeks ago and my opinion still wavers. I appreciate the teacher's concerns and I understand the situation. The feelings I am having, deep down, aren't about the school, the people there or what they are teaching her. We have nothing but good things to say about her pre-school. While she might be having some struggles, her knowledge and behaviors have greatly improved from what they were before.

Still....

This is the first time, as a parent, that I have heard a criticism of my child.

It sucks. You want (and wrongly often expect) that the world will see them like you do.

Depending on how I am feeling at any given time, my thoughts run an entire spectrum of emotions....

Sadness

The idea that my sweet baby girl might be ostracized from her peers absolutely hollows me out inside. I get flashbacks of some of my own experiences and visions of Hailey in middle school (which is in my opinion the most vicious age of childhood), and I have to fight to hold back the tears. The urge to leave work and take her from school... just to hug her... can be overwhelming. I want her to be loved by everyone, not just by her family. I get to see all sides of her, I know she is amazing and caring. The thought that someone from outside are family can make her feel less than that...is nothing short of painful.

Guilt

She is an only child of older parents (well...I'm at least older). She has no one in the family her age...I have no friends with kids her age. Outside of school, Nathan and I...working adults...are her playmates. That is all out of my control. However, It starts me thinking...do we not keep her behavior at home 'in check' enough? It feels like we are always correcting her - I can't imagine doing it more. I don't want every word out of our mouths to be negative.

Often, she plays aggressive or she 'teases' us. If we scold her, it is mostly because it gets annoying, not because we are offended...but of course...we aren't four years old. In daycare, she played with kids of various ages...with various degrees of success. Since this is our first and only child, maybe we don't know enough, maybe we don't do enough. I don't spend my time reading child behavior books...perhaps the professionals do have a better method.

However, just this week, we got a note that she was called down to the office for being a disruption in class...so I'm not sure that the school's techniques are working any better than ours.

That brings in my next feeling...

Anger

With all the good things I have said about the school, part of me gets angry when I think about it. I know they strive to foster a positive environment...but dang it...if she misbehaves...put her in a freakin time out! I know my kid... at this point in her life, she needs a consequence (or a reward). If she doesn't change her behaviour because all you do is explain that it hurts the other child's feelings... then remove her from the group until she understands. Show her there is an immediate price for not being nice. Otherwise...the price she pays will be the slow exclusion from the other kids. The only result of that will be her believing "they don't like who I am", instead of " they don't like my actions". That is already happening, and quite frankly it makes me sad and pisses me off, all in one breath.

Before school, daycare and I talked about discipline methods and we were on the same page. What she experienced during the day, was reinforced at home in the evening. I'm trying to repeat what she gets at school....to 'explain' to Hailey how her actions effect her dad and I...but it just hasn't sunk in yet. She still thinks it is a fun game. Until that magical day where the light bulb flicks on... I will continue to do a combination of both, explain how her actions impact others, then stick her in the corner and set the timer.

Wrongful Justification
Plus, there is a tiny part of me that thinks... some of the girls in her class must be a bunch of sissies. It's terrible, I know. I imagine that is the way a school bully's parents must justify their kid's behaviour (and I certainly don't want her to be a bully). I'm not proud of that feeling. However, it's an honest gut reaction...and I am all about recording my honest feelings in this blog. I can't believe that her intention is to be mean...I think she plays differently than a lot of the other kids, and just doesn't understand yet. I looked at her class picture, and there are at least 2 girls to every boy in her class. I wonder if it would be as big an issue if she were a boy - who are almost expected to be more assertive and aggressive. She is not a 'girly-girl'...neither was I. We don't want her to change into something she isn't, she should be true to herself.

When I started thinking about writing this blog entry...I came across this quote

"They were wrong, she was ok just the way she was"

Realistic

Initially, I connected that saying to Hailey and the problems she is having with school...but I slowed down and realized that they aren't trying to change my daughter into something she's not, even if it does feel like that sometimes. Yes she is a girl...but no, she isn't always cotton candy sweetness. If they were trying to change that aspect of who she is...they would have a serious battle on their hands (from me and from Hailey). The people who I entrusted my daughter to during the day, aren't changing her, they are trying to help her. Her teachers are just helping her learn to respect others...and of course I'm on board with that. Maybe I don't agree that the method they are choosing will be the fastest road. All I can tell them is "If that is the way you want to do it...fine...but you better have patience."

So... in the end, what did I learn from my first parent/teacher conference....?

* She's ONLY 4-years-old.... she's been in a school environment 3 months...give her time

* We are good parents who love our child, we aren't doing anything wrong (and neither is she...)

* We have a lot of school ahead of us, and while they aren't the enemy...I'm not always going to agree with everything they do.

Maybe they are right...maybe they are wrong, either way... she IS ok just the way she is!