The Other White Meat

Here it is, my daughter's first holiday - and one of my favorites as well...Halloween!! I love Halloween, dressing up, getting scared then eating candy - it doesn't get much better than that.

For Hailey's first Halloween
is she a princess?....no.
Is she a witch?....no.
A butterfly?...no.
She's a CHICKEN!

I love it! Some people said she will look on this later in life and scold us for having dressed her as a chicken. Well...whatever. I figure there will only be a few years when I get to decide what she is going to be, so I am going to take advantage of that. I will probably have years and years of princesses and ballerinas.

Besides, my brother has cornered the market on 'First Costume Bitterness'. Apparently, my parents just threw a pillowcase over him and he was a ghost for his first Halloween. The thing that gets him really mad about it is that they didn't even make eye holes for him. In my parent's defense, he was only in it for a few seconds, but that information makes the story less funny, so we leave that part out. I tried to tell him that he should be grateful it wasn't a plastic bag, but that doesn't seem to soothe him.

I asked mom what I was for my first Halloween and she couldn't remember. All I got was, "Something pink and furry". A bunny perhaps, or a pig with excessive body hair. I know that for most of my years, all I wanted to be was a black cat. We recycled the same cat costume for every Halloween. That embarrasses me now, I hope Hailey has more imagination than I did (or is at least a little less stubborn).

Years from now she may roll her eyes when she sees the pictures of her in her chicken costume, that's o.k. I'll just remind her that not everyone can pull off a poultry uniform the way she did back in 'O6. She was the cutest little chicken I have ever seen and she is certainly the best 'treat' I have ever received!

The Price of Love

I've been thinking about this since last night...about the risks you take when you love someone too much. I was reminded last night that the 'someone' doesn't always have to be a person.

One of my best friends had to give her beloved dog away yesterday. I won't get into details - let's just say there was an incident that made her have to choose between putting him down or finding a new home for him. To her credit, she made the decision to find him a home when many people around her were pressing her to take him to the vet's. There was a tremendous amount of pressure and stress - and her life was not happy as a result.

I thought about that today after I dropped Hailey off at the sitter's house. Again I drove to work crying. I thought about how the price of love forces us to make hard decisions in our life. I had to give up my days with Hailey so that I can go to work and provide for her. Palee had to give up her dog in order to save his life.

Both were hard decisions.
Both were the right decisions.
Both hurt like hell.

However, I realized something else today...

My daycare provider is close enough to where I work that I can go to see her at lunch time (if I am able). Today, I did just that - went to see Hailey at lunch. You know what...? She was fine. She was better than fine, bouncing in her bouncy chair, smiling, having a good time. I held her hand until she fell asleep and went back to work. She is o.k. - I'm the one that is a mess. Driving back to work, I really felt like Hailey's mom. I became her mother the day she was born - but I have made a sacrifice for her (of more than just sleep) so I finally feel like a mom.

Decisions like the ones Palee and I have made this week are a lot harder on us than on our children or pets. The price of love is that sometimes you do all the hurting - so that the ones you love the most don't have to hurt at all. My baby is at daycare and Palee's baby is with a new family. Our decisions were tough, but they are going to keep roofs over both of their heads.

They are going to be fine, both of them.
Eventually, Palee and I will be fine too.

My New Life

O.k. I'll admit it has been a while since I posted.

I had a baby.

Not just any baby, I had Hailey.

9 weeks ago.

Today marks the day when I returned to work. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, I came back to work full time from the get-go...why? Simple.

I had to.

Life is just too darn expensive. Plus, I always thought I would be one of those women who wanted to go back to work, needed to work to keep that part of my identity - to feel like a complete person. While part of that is still true, I found it is not to the extent that I originally believed. What I do for a living is a big part of my life, and I am proud it. I love my job, but I don't live my job. I never 'bring the job home with me'...so home and work have always been separate aspects of my life. I thought it would be the same when I had a family.

It's not the same, and never will be. I might not bring my job home with me... but from now on, the desire to be home comes to work with me. Today was one of the hardest days I have ever had. I cried all the way to work - driving in the dark, in the rain.

She is going to daycare, to someone I trust... but I can't just go pick her up whenever I want to hold her. For the first time since she was born, I realized that I can't hear her. At home, even when I was in another room, I was always listening. Consciously, unconsciously...it didn't matter, she was there, I knew it, I could hear her sleeping, screaming, cooing, breathing. Now, when I am at work, the silence is making me crazy.

I finally understand. The guilt that working mothers feel is overwhelming. The mere thought that she may need her mother and I am not there makes my throat tighten and my eyes immediately tear. You feel like someone else is raising your child. You are giving your 'exclusive rights of a mother' to another person. That there is a chance that they will experience all those ' childhood firsts' that you may only get as sloppy seconds.

All day today, I kept thinking how my days with Hailey were over.

I should know better.

I should know that they are just beginning.

I love my job, and I honestly...I wouldn't want to leave it - but I envy moms who can stay home. If I want to do what is best for Hailey, I know I need to help provide for her. Am I doing what is best for her if I go back to work? I'm not sure... but it's best for us and I guess that has to count for something.