A New Year's Resolution

"Just because everything is different, doesn't mean anything has changed..."

I have remarked constantly in blog posts, and in general, about how different so much of my life has become over the course of this past year.

New stuff is all around me...
new schedules,
new challenges,
new surroundings.
Everything.

However as I sat here thinking about what to write, I came across that quote above and it struck me. I finally realized, on New Year's Eve, that regardless of everything that has transpired in 2011... nothing really has 'changed'.

Am I a different person then I was a year ago...? No, I don't think so, not really anyway. I laugh at the same things, I eat the same foods (sometimes to my detriment... OK most of the time it is to my detriment)... and I love the same people. My thoughts and feelings remain fairly consistent to who I believe myself to be. Some of my opinions may have softened throughout the course of the year, but the core of who I am and how I respond to others, is as it has always been. Nothing has changed.

All that has happened is that I have made a year's worth of mistakes while learning a year's worth of knowledge. Some of it I have always understood, even if only in an abstract way. This past year I have had the opportunity to fully experience the truth of it all.

I've learned that:

* Happiness really does have more value then any amount of money.
* Change is far scarier in your imagination then it is in your reality.
* If you don't stand up for your own feelings, you loose all respect for yourself, and so will everyone else.
* How much I enjoy an activity depends about 95% on the people that I choose to do it with.
* Not everyone thinks before they speak, which makes it even more important for me to think before I act.
* The happiness of those I love is more important than my own, but if I'm not happy... they won't be either.
* Creating something myself means more to me then spending money on it.
* Sometimes the most surprising friendships are the most rewarding.
* Listening to someone talk is different then just hearing the words come out of their mouth.

All I have to do to be satisfied with the course my life has taken, is to stop thinking about what I want it to be and start looking at what it is. It's a life filled with equal parts of frustration and laughter. One with high points, and low valleys - but mostly, it is a life that consists of middle ground, ordinary, routine days.

Average days, in which not much really changes. I'm OK with that, in fact... I'm more than OK with it. I am going to make it a point, a goal, to embrace my 'everydays'. To find joy and serenity in the little pieces that would normally get overlooked - walking the dog, pizza dinners, skinned knees and even...yes... buying snow pants. I think that is going to be my New Year's Resolution - to have as many ordinary, frustrating, laugh-filled days as 2012 can handle.

Let that be my wish for you as well....

that your mornings be greeted with bedhead hair and cereal with milk...
afternoons filled with a 9-5 grind, but a happy place to drive home too...
nights of favorite TV re-runs and bedtime kisses from those you love most...

and a year full of different happenings and altered paths... where very little really changes.

Holidays 2011 Style

Hey everyone - time for a holiday update and 'end of year' wrap-up.

What a crazy freaking year it's been... new job for Nathan, new school for Hailey, new house for everyone. So many changes (most of them for the better) I can't even wrap my head around them all.

Nathan's job, while far from being ideal, is settling into a rhythm. However, we are still keeping our eyes open for something which will uses his skills a little better and be a little more fulfilling.
for the moment, it is working out OK... much better then the roller coaster that his old job was (it's nice to have him home before 10:00 pm).

Hailey is doing great in her new school. We learned from our first parent/teacher conference that she is mastering the skills she should be and only has a few that are 'developing skills' **ahem... listening..cough cough**. Her new sitter, Miss Karen, is also working out fine...a little more activity then at Miss Emmy's house, but she has settled into a routine there as well.

The holidays were really good. The Yost clan all came over for an early Thanksgiving, and I am proud to say that the meal was great! The kitchen was completely set up and organized, so things went rather smoothly. We spent the actual day of Thanksgiving at my parents house - another great meal. A very relaxing weekend made nicer because we didn't have to drive 20 minutes to get to my parents.

Christmas was just this past Sunday and we had a house full of guests. Brian, Laura and Mom and Dad Yost stayed Friday night, then...

** sorry - had to take a break to put together a Lego Harry Potter set that was a Christmas gift from Uncle Ken **

Brian and Laura left for her family's celebration on Saturday night and we had our company through Monday morning. The house was great - it was big enough that we weren't tripping over each other, but I could be in the kitchen and not feel totally left out.

My Christmas decorations were a little on the sparse side this year... but I have plans next year for that gigantic mantle in the family room. On the plus side, while our Christmas took up a large part of the living room, we still had the family room to relax in. I'm loving having more space.

It's a good thing too... Hailey got so many gifts this year, I don't' know what we are going to do with all of them. Cool clothes and dolls, the previously mentioned Lego set, a reading game for her Leapster a kaleidoscope which she loves and...a great big dollhouse from Santa. This thing is HUGE!! It came unfurnished, but my mom quickly took care of that problem with 6 sets of furniture! Only child spoiled syndrome...? No, not my kid.

Nathan got a Playstation 3 and has been playing it when he gets home at night. It reminds of the days early in our marriage when I used to fall asleep on the couch while watching him play video games. Ah yes... life was so much more exciting for us before we had our kid...um...yeah.

As for me, I have this week off and I have decided to wage war on my bathroom floor. I'm thinking that will be a blog post all its own, as I am learning as I clean. This floor has become, not just my continuing household nemesis, but something of a guide to self discovery. That is a story for another time.

New House Halloween

OK... October 31 - Happy Halloween everyone! I'm just sneaking this month's blog post in under the wire.

Our household has been pretty busy unpacking and getting things put away. We are FAR from being finished, but the house is now at least in a workable state.

Yesterday, I took the dog for a long walk on the trail that runs behind our new house (yes... no neighbors live behind us... just a big yard with a great walking trail in back). The part of the trail I took led behind the houses on our street, and (of course) I was comparing fences and landscaping and getting some ideas for the future. On the way back, I walked behind our house and when I looked up at it... and finally had that moment....

"Holy Crap. That is our house. We actually live there".

We have been so involved in fixing the roof and the plumbing, unpacking and getting the house livable in general, that I haven't had time to just sit back and really look at it.

I am really happy. I still can't believe that we live where we do, in the house that we have. The fact that it happened so quickly and (in retrospect) easily...is just the icing on the cake.

When we moved into our old house, most everything we did was cosmetic and we did it just because we wanted to. We didn't have to make the house 'work' (and it was just the two of us), so I got to personalize it right from the start. Now I'm finding I have to hold back on that part, and it's driving me a little crazy. I had to make a pact with myself that I will not buy any paint until every box is either unpacked or in the basement for storage. Given the chance, I would have painted the upstairs bathroom before I had even found our silverware - that is just the way I am wired, I guess.

Now tonight, we get to have our first 'holiday' at the house. There is no better time to get to know your new neighborhood then Halloween! We had to buy a lot more candy for this house then the last one, and I hope we have enough. Hailey is really excited - she had her first school Halloween parade on Friday and she was adorable! There was no wavering this year, she wanted to be a vampire and stuck with it. She's lucky we found her costume or she would have had to go as a moving box.

Nathan and I got to go to our two annual Halloween parties - Seth and Jamie's where the food is fantastic and the guests are so nice - and Robert and Nick's crazy, over the top party that is so amazing everyone wonders what they can possibly do next year to top it (yet they always do). This year my favorite was Robert and Nick's 'Bates Motel' themed bathroom, complete with a pressure sensitive trigger under the bathmat, that lit up the shower curtain when stepped on. I also couldn't seem to stop munching on Jamie's yummy, spicy guacamole dip (recipe please!).

On a less frightening note...

Hailey seems to be warming up to her new school. At least, she no longer responds with "Lame" when I ask her how school was. Her handwriting is getting much better and her behaviour... well... a little more disciplined. I'll know for sure how she is doing later this month when I have our first parent/teacher conference. We did have to switch her after-school care provider as Miss Emmy got a new job (Congratulations Emmy!). In fact, today is the first day at Miss Karen's. I think it will be fine, Karen's place is full of activity - which Hailey will love. I have learned to relax (just a little bit) with her care providers. That has not been an easy road for me, since she is still my baby girl.... but I'm learning too.

Tomorrow starts November and the holiday season. Will the house be ready in time to host our Second Annual Yost Thanksgiving? I really have no idea. We did finally order a new fridge yesterday, so at least we will have a place for the food. However we may be sitting on boxes at dinner.

Holidays at the new house... how will the turkey cook in the new oven? Will we have our serving plates unpacked...will we even have time to find the Christmas decorations? Stay tuned!

The Most Awesome Home

Well... we got our answer on the house, and the answer was a "Yes!" We ended up getting the house that we wanted. Granted we had to pay a little bit more for it... but it is in the school system we wanted and the neighborhood we wanted. The house is much bigger than our current one plus we are paying less for it than we paid for our first home (with a better interest rate).

Is it perfect....? Nope, not by a long shot. There is a lot of fixing that has to happen - some cosmetic, some more serious. We learned there was a reason there were no pictures of any of the 3 bathrooms. The poor toilets, their curtains don't match their carpets (or more to the point... the lids don't match the bowls.) Don't get me started on the giant monstrosity of a fireplace that dominates the family room. Not to mention... (but I will) yet again, it looks like we will be having to put another roof on another house. Yay.

Do I love it....? Yep, I think I do. It has made me a believer in love at first sight, since I have only seen it (on the inside) once. That in itself is a scary enough notion.

Even though I have been preoccupied with all the things that a 'responsible adult' has to do to sell one home and buy another, the anticipation has been steadily growing. There is one thing I didn't take into consideration...how I feel about the house we are leaving.

While I'm excited for the new house, the title of this blog really belongs to the place we are selling this coming Friday. All the years I spent thinking about my dream house, I never appreciated the home I had.

That hit me like a ton of bricks Sunday night as we emptied our home of all the things that would be going with us - and some that won't. I walked through each of the rooms, listening to the echo of my footsteps. I tried to remember some memory to cherish from each of them.

Our living room, the heart of our house...where we spent countless hours playing, watching movies and loosing the remote. The room where Hailey took her first steps, by flashlight, during a power outage.

The dining room, and the floor remodeling job from hell - which turned out to be one of the nicest rooms in the house. The host to Nathan's weekly guy's night and the place where numerous pumpkin carving parties have been held.

Our bedroom...where I was privileged to watch my wonderful husband fall asleep with our newborn baby on his chest. Where Madison, The Most Awesome of All Cats... playfully batted away each tear I shed on the night of 9/11.

Hailey's room, don't get me started on the memories in there. Nursery murals, bedtime stories and princess castles....even finding the carpenter ants in the window sill - are now treasured memories.

Our kitchen, with its '4 year/ 4 coats of paint' cabinet repainting project - the place where the anti-vampire taco was born. Our entry to the house, and our exit....it all needs to be locked away in that special place where the memories are still as fresh as the day they happened.

I know it is a house of plaster, brick and in our case, really expensive shingles. You take the love that was in it with you. But it still somehow seems like a family member... like the most awesome of cats who now lies in its garden. You know that day is going to come when you have to say goodbye, but it is never easy.

Goodbye Most Awesome of All Homes, I hope they love you like we did.

Ten Years

TEN YEARS AGO....

10 Years ago, I had been married to Nathan for nearly 2 years. We were living in an apartment, and I was still trying to figure out my job at the library after loosing my first supervisor.

I heard about what was happening on the East coast, from a campus e-mail which said that a plane had hit the Pentagon. Trying to get a news site on the Internet was not working, as the surge in traffic had made them all impossible to load. On top of that, we did not have access to a TV in my building, so I sat in the station's office and listened to the radio. It made me feel an odd correlation to the people who had huddled around the radio during Pearl Harbor. The same sense of horrified, historical importance crossed my mind more than once. At lunch I walked down to the lake. It was so calm and peaceful, but I couldn't help but think about how much the events I had just 'witnessed'... were going to change the entire world. Although my life was pretty good, that day, the future seemed so scary and unknown.

It's 10 years later now. I'm still married to Nathan and love him more than ever. We were blessed with our beautiful daughter - when 9 years ago I was told I may never be able to have kids. I just got a promotion at the job that I was so unsure of ten years ago (7 supervisors later). I have been fortunate to get back into teaching color guard again, which has given me many amazing friends and great memories. We moved out of that apartment and bought our first home. Now, we will be selling it in a few weeks to live in the house of my dreams. My life has changed for the better in so many ways, I can't help feeling blessed. Hailey is even going to kindergarten in the same elementary school that I went to.

Most of us are fortunate that we only lost our naivety and inflated sense of national security on 9-11. Thousands of others lost so much more 10 years ago. I can only hope, on this day in particular, that they have been able to find some measure of peace in their lives. The sacrifice of so many and the heroism of so many more, should touch everyone of us in some way. We have been given the gift of perspective, the ability show our love to family and friends and the chance to make our lives what they were meant to be.

It took me 4 years before I could delete that original e-mail about the Pentagon. Like the rest of the nation, that day will always be burned into my memory. The feeling of loss was so overwhelming and the future seemed so frightening. I never could have imagined then that the next ten years would bring so much joy to my life. Every day is truly a gift. I hope that I remember what is most important for the next ten years as well.

The Final Puzzle Piece

OK..
Some of you know, some of you don't.... Nathan and I are selling our house.

Wait, scratch that. We SOLD our house.... essentially. All the pieces are there, we just have to sort out the inspection details and move out all our junk. This month has been, without a doubt, the craziest month I have ever experienced. Ever. Seriously.

We have wanted to get Hailey out of the school system, in which we currently live, for a long time now. It always seemed like we had plenty of time to make that move, but time has a funny way of catching up with you. The whole situation became far more urgent when I attended the 'Kindergarten Orientation' at her prospective school... just this past spring.

I was horrified. Yes I was.

Ask me sometime about the screaming mother episode I witnessed, or the fact that the school lost her 5-year-old for THREE HOURS before they found him.... unsupervised and outside the building. Wow...really? Sending your little one off on that first day, can be traumatic enough for a parent, imagine factoring in that you don't trust the school to even keep track of your kid. No thanks!

So this summer we got serious about putting our house up and moving. Well... when I say we got 'serious', we actually didn't get a fire under our butts until August. Once that happened though, things moved ridiculously fast - allow me to show you the timeline...

August 2nd - First meeting with our realtor. I like the guy, very nice, knowledgeable, good sense of humor and so tall I think people would pay money to have their pictures taken with him. He gave us a big 'real estate reality check' that boiled down to... "In order to sell in this market, be ready to price your house lower then you can afford." Crap. Not what we wanted to hear. Then, I find out from Hailey's school that they won't give her an out-of -district transfer until I have paperwork that proves we have bought a house elsewhere. This whole thing was not starting off the way we hoped it would.

August 5th - Regardless, we decided to put our house up at a higher price to see what would happen. We concluded that we were not in a hurry, but wanted list it... so we could get an idea of what to expect. If Hailey had to spend a year in the crappy school, at least it would probably only be for a year or so. Plus, her school had all day kindergarten ($$ bonus for us). We called the realtor and started the paperwork.

August 8th - This is that first time that I notice our house is now online. House cleaning begins now.

August 15th - The big 'For Sale' sign goes up in our yard. Neighbors that we barely talk to, come out of the woodwork to proclaim how much they will miss us. The neighbor on our left knocks on our door at 9:30 to check out our house and ask how much we want for it (yeah no joke).

August 16th - Professional realtor pictures taken. I clean the house for 3 hours. Photographer is a jerk, he takes pictures for 4 minutes and speaks only one word the whole time. I take my own pictures after he leaves.

August 19th - Pictures go online. House looks great - like a featured spread in 'Middle Class' Better Homes and Gardens.

August 21st - We have our first showing at 4:30 pm.* (*At this time, I began a full week band camp, so I was not around for the showing).

August 23rd - We get an offer on the house- one which would not put us in debt!

August 24th - Because I am at band camp and away from everything but my cell phone, we do not find out about the offer in until late Wednesday afternoon - on Hailey's birthday.

August 25th - We meet with the realtor to look over the offer and accept it at 8:00am. The closing date is September 23.... less then a month away. At 11:00 am, we schedule a showing at a home we would like to purchase. At 3:00, we put an offer in on that very home.

This all happened lightning quick... Nate and I felt like zombies all day.
Then came the bank's turn to move....and this is the point where things stalled out.

The home we want is foreclosed and bank owned. We put a offer in that was significantly lower then the list price (we have to pay closing costs and buy appliances) and received no word on Friday. While we didn't expect to hear anything on that first weekend... it has been over a week and we still haven't gotten a reply!! In the meantime, two more offers have come in on the same house. We are all bidding blindly - not knowing what the others have offered. When the second bid came in, the bank gave us a chance to change our original offer - which we did ($600 more than the asking price). I suppose that was nice on the part of the bank, but I would wager it was because the other couple didn't offer full price either. When the third offer came in... it became a whole different situation.

It feels like I'm playing sudoku - because I guess at that game too.

In my mind's eye, I envision our paperwork sitting on some bank representative's desk... and he's is laughing and twirling his moustache with his fingers. I wouldn't be surprised if the house is tied up to railroad tracks somewhere and they are just seeing who will pay enough to rescue it.

The bottom line is this - we sold our house. Now, we have to be out by the 23rd of this month... and at this point, we have no place to live. Until the bank give us a 'yes' or 'no' we can't move forward. Another weekend has passed (a holiday one at that) and the whole situation really, really stinks. The silver lining to all of this is that we accomplished our purpose in moving in the first place. Hailey will never have to go to that school which frightened me so much *insert wild enthusiastic cheer here*. In fact, instead of attending the school that we hope to be living next to... because of overcrowding... she is starting at the school where I went to kindergarten. Plus, her before and after school care is going to be with our very close, personal friend who lives in that neighborhood. The different parts of Hailey's schooling, fit together perfectly.

All the pieces have fallen neatly into place... except that big one right in the middle... and someone else has their finger on it. It shouldn't be this hard, I just want to finish the puzzle and see what the picture looks like.

*Update - still don't know anything about our offer, but in the time since I started this blog entry... I threw my back out at the grocery store. Excellent. Packing just now got a whole lot trickier.

Letter to Hailey on her 5th Birthday

Dear Hailey -

Your 5th birthday has come and gone and I am just now getting the chance to write this letter to you. Even though it has passed, it will be a birthday that I will remember for a long time.

You don't understand yet...but the three of us (you, your dad and I), have seen a lot of changes this year, and some of the biggest are only weeks (and days) away. The feelings I have had this year, have caused me to stop writing, as I lack the desire to keep rethinking everything that has happened. However, as the year is moving on, I am finding my ability to write and that need to again express my feelings.

We started off the year with a job change for your dad. This was a big scary decision that was very difficult to make. Even though it has been hard, it has been the right choice for not just your dad, but for all of us together. We are still taking it step by step - but we are supporting each other with love and patience... like a family is supposed to. Sometimes, all you can do is strap yourself into the roller coaster and close your eyes when the scary parts come on too fast.

Your dad and I also made the choice... just this month... to put our house up for sale. It sold very quickly and unexpectedly - with an offer coming in on your birthday... just 5 days ago (two weeks before you are to start school). As I write you this letter, our bid on another house has not yet been accepted and our immediate arrangements are very uncertain. It is an exciting time, but an anxious one as well.

In one week, you will be starting kindergarten. A new school in a new school district with new friends and teachers. A big step in itself - but with all the additional changes and how fast they are occurring.... it is becoming overwhelming. These things have all been good changes, but even those can be scary while you are in the middle of them.

One thing has remained unchanged through all of the crazy ways in which this year has unfolded - that is... how amazing you are and how much joy and love you bring to our lives. I honestly don't know how I would have handled this year without your incredibly silly imagination and sparkling laughter. On the days when all I wanted to do was sit down and cry - you were the force that brought me back down and made everything OK again. The constant examples of love and caring that you showed for you dad and I... made everything else seem far less dramatic and important.


You were simply... my unending source of laughter and perspective. All year long.

12 months ago, I was scared to let you go. I was afraid of sending you off to a preschool we didn't really know... and loosing my silly little girl. Tonight, I realized that more has changed then just my situation - I have changed too. My feelings and attitude are different then what they were before. I don't fear the changes I see in you anymore. I know now that they are giving you the strength to grow and become independent. Those same changes are giving me faith. Faith in you... faith in our future as a family... and faith that no matter what changes happen, I can handle them. It is a type of trust that comes only when you let go of fear. Sometimes, life really is like a roller coaster - it's only when you throw your hands in the air that you really begin to enjoy the ride.

I know things are unfolding as they are supposed to. Your loving personality is helping me to let go of my fear. I love you so much for that that all I can say is....

Thank you Hailey
Thank you for being my daughter.

I Love You - Momma

Star of the Week...

Hailey's PreSchool sent home a questionnaire a couple of weeks ago for us to fill out. It is called 'Star of the Week'. The idea is we answer a bunch of questions about Hailey and provide them with pictures, and they post it in her classroom where she is 'Star of the Week'. All her friends and their parents can then read the poster to learn a little more about her.

Cute idea. Yeah.

I have delayed sending it in... partly because I have to go and get actual photos printed off (people still do that?) but mostly because I don't know how honest I should be when filling out the questionnaire.

Why would I feel compelled to lie on something as sweet and innocent as 'Star of the Week'?

Well let's take a moment to review the questions. I'll show you what answers I actually wrote down... and what the real answers should probably be.
_____________

Child's Name -Hailey Yost (ok...simple no real reason to deviate from the truth yet)

Child's Age - 4 (well soon to be 5...but technically still 4)

Child's Favorite Song - The Scooby Doo Theme Song (sooh... that screams 'television is our babysitter, not proud of it..... but still nothing too bad).

Child's Favorite Color - Purple (there is no way around that, it's obvious)

Child's Nationality - Uh... American (but I spiced it up with 'German Descent'...don't want the kid to be too vanilla)

# of Siblings - None (number of 'imaginary' siblings however is up to about 5...)

Here is where my answers begin to deviate....

Family Traditions - Summer Trips~ Bike Rides ~ Reading Stories
The Reality: Sitting around the coffee table eating dinner and watching cartoons, dropping her off and Grandma and Grandpa's while we run errands, spending all day playing video games.

Favorite Family Recipe- Spaghetti, Anti-Vampire Tacos...oh yes I did write it! However, I didn't write down recipe or explain anti-vampire tacos...you have to leave a little mystery somewhere.

The Reality: McDonald's Chicken Nuggets - how to make:

1) drive to local McDonald's restaurant
2) pull into drive-thru, convince 4 year-old daughter that playland is closed for repairs
3) try to order via speaker while daughter is yelling "GIRL TOY"
4) repeat order twice because drive thru kids didn't hear it the first two times
5) pull up to second window
6) pay with plastic money
7) wait
8) check bag to make sure everything is there
9) quickly clean out car cup holders so the overflowing sodas don't spill
10) drive home,
11) attempt to carry food and drinks in one trip
12) sit down at coffee table to eat
13) fight to keep dog from stealing chicken nuggets
14) realize they forgot: straws/ sauce/ fries/ GIRL TOY!

Yeah...Star of the Week. Sometimes the truth isn't the way to go. However, imagine the pictures I would get to send to school with this.

Hailey Logic

Hailey is at the age where she is beginning to use logic and reason to figure out her world...fortunately, she is still mixing that with an all-consuming imagination that makes most of the stuff that comes out of her mouth...absolutely hilarious, or at the very least... dangerously cute.

Food Logic
Hailey has a serious dislike of hot food, she would rather eat cold leftovers then something hot. Therefore, according to Hailey logic, her favorite food needs to be renamed. Hailey likes to eat 'warm dogs' for dinner. Not a hot dog, don't even call it that or she will correct you. Most of the time the warm-dog is eaten sans-bun, with no ketchup. I've even seen her eat it like corn on the cob, which is very entertaining. Her disdain for hot food goes so far that at restaurants, if we order her mac-n-cheese, we have to ask them to let it cool off or put it in the fridge before bringing it out.

Death Logic
A while back, we were playing with some of her favorite toys...playmobile figures. She likes to create elaborate stories about the knights and princesses - as long as she has complete control of the outcome and you play the 'evil guy'. Often the characters in her stories meet untimely fates. This particular time, she told me that evil queen 'falls over dead'. I told her i didn't like playing games where someone dies. Hailey responded with, 'But mom, she's EVIL'. I said I didn't care, I didn't think she should die. Then my lovely daughter gave me an extremely serious look, waved one of her plastic figures in my face and said.... "Mom... they aren't REAL! They can't really die"

Right, duly noted Hailey, thanks.

Pool Logic

Just this last weekend, we took Hailey to Michigan's Adventure Amusement Park. I had never been there, and Hailey has never experienced anything quite like it. We had an extremely fun day, spending the day riding all sorts or rides. I think they may have had rides for adults too...but I'm not sure about that... as we did not get to partake in a lot of those. Hailey however, got the opportunity to experience her first roller coaster and (of course), she loved it. She kept throwing her hands in the air and yelling at all the ride operators to go faster.

Besides tons of great kiddie rides, Michigan's Adventure has a water park built on to it - and if it is one thing we Yosts know...it is the ins-and outs of a great water park experience. So it didn't surprise me when she applied her special brand of Hailey-logic there.

Hailey and I were in the 'kiddie wading pool' area - that at its deepest is two and a half feet. We were having fun playing 'water-girl' (complete with fountain powers) when she floated over near the super-serious, barely adolescent life-guard. Hailey grabbed onto the pool ladder right in front of him. It was so short, it only had one step. She started to climb it when the following exchange took place:

Lifeguard: "You can't climb that ladder"

*pause*
Hailey: "Then why is it there?"

*longer pause*
Lifeguard: "Uhhh....you just can't"

Trounced by a four year old - excellent!! Small girl = 1....Pool ladder fanatic = zero. Better the lifeguard then me...I'm sure she will use her Hailey logic on me again later today anyway.

Catch-Up

Ok... back to getting on with the task of living. I'm going to put aside all the worrying and stress for a little while and tell you about all the wonderful things that have happened lately.

This is my opportunity to play catch-up with you.

Things in Hailey's world have been happening quickly. She had her first dance recital back in May. It was a very informal and short event, but it was so adorable! She and her friends danced to 'Under The Sea' from the Little Mermaid... complete with bubble machine in the background. For me, this was really fun to watch, I would love to see her keep doing dance classes. It is important to me that she try different activities and decide which she enjoys enough to continue - I would love it to be dance. Hailey did a really great job and was totally focused on what she was supposed to do - which is a big difference from her performance at the Christmas pageant (those who have seen the video of that event will understand).

That leads me very seamlessly into a quick mention of how much her pre-school has developed her focus and behavior. You may remember a post I made not too long ago about her first conference at pre-school. It was pretty upsetting to me. She was having a very difficult time socializing with the other kids. Her personality was too intense and she had some real serious listening problems. Last month, we had another conference at school and the result was completely different. She still has her moments where she doesn't want to listen... but her entire demeanor has changed. However, much to my delight, her personality has stayed pretty much the same. She is still silly and funny and has a wild imagination, but she channels that energy much better now. If she is separate from the group, it is because she chooses to be. Her teacher even said when she is getting frustrated with the kids, it is usually Hailey that pulls her out of her bad mood and makes her laugh again. I couldn't be any happier at that thought. It is hard for me to go back and read that original blog post...now that I know how things have turned out. The post is pretty over the top dramatic....but... I have to remember it's an accurate record of what I felt at the time. You don't always know how things are going to play out. I'm just glad those earlier feelings didn't end up being justified.

Now that I mentioned about how great pre-school has been for her, it is time to say that she graduated from it last month. We had the little ceremony - with a diploma and cake...the whole enchilada. It was super cute. We got her a white dress outfit and they supplied a crepe paper and cardboard graduation cap (it was very, very stinky). She got to sit in the front row... and we got to spend most of the time trying to get her to sit like a lady in her dress. I'm going to miss her pre-school, we made a really good choice taking her there. They have really done great things with her. I wasn't sure I'd ever feel like she was ready to move on to school, but I am sure that she will be able to handle whatever this fall will give her.

Her next move now is to kindergarten. She is signed up to go to Comstock North Elementary, but I really have some serious reservations about that school. We are possibly going to put our house up for sale yet this summer and that is another twist we have to deal with. So while she will definitely be attending Kindergarten in the fall...where it will be... is a little bit up in the air at this point. Decisions will have to be made very soon.

In terms of happenings on the adult side of the last couple of months, Nathan is in the process of adjusting to his new job. Things are going generally pretty good there. My parents just celebrated their 52 wedding anniversary - which is awesome! I'm up for a possible promotion at work...we'll see how that goes. It's not a big deal, but it would be nice. Speaking of promotions, my sister-in -law Angie just got one and moved back to town - another super happy event (although moving her from 3rd floor apartment to 3rd floor apartment on the hottest day of the month wasn't quite as 'super happy').

I think that is enough for this post at the moment. I do have many other things to share, but I will break them into smaller posts with funnier info.

If you would like to see pictures/video of Hailey's dance recital and graduation ceremony you can click here (there are new pictures that have been added, so you may have to dig for the dance recital).

Finding my Voice

I believe in writing, I believe in the importance of my emotions, I believe that what I have to say has value - at least to someone.

This blog...

this blog has always been more than just a place for me to come to record the events that happen to me and my family. It is the method I use to lay down a history of my feelings, a way for me to work through the emotion and come to some kind of inner harmony. Often, my posts are purely for fun...written to express my happiness and sense of humor. But sometimes, they deal with other emotions that are not so funny. Most of the time, I figure out a way to capture those feelings - whatever they may be - into words that are easier to deal with.

It has been several months since I have been able to find that voice.

My family and I have gone through a lot of changes in the past several months - no tragedies have occurred, our foundation has not crumbled. Others in the world are hit harder, hurt more and truly suffer loss.

But we have been tested....individually, as a couple and as a family. Career changes are very difficult, when they are unplanned and brought on by an intense amount of stress they can be almost unbearable. The current economic climate certainly does not help any one's job situation. I have had a lot of ups and downs in my life (mostly ups... thankfully) but I have never had a more difficult time then the past several months. Watching one of the 2 most important people in my life go through such tremendous upheaval is...well...numbing.

When painful events happen to you personally, then you have control, you have power over your reaction. The ship... and the decisions you make on it are yours. But when it is a loved one, you become just a passenger along for the ride. Maybe you have input (to a point)... but you are not the one steering. You can only offer so much advice, before you feel like that record is skipping to the same words. You can only try to ease frayed nerves and emotions for so long before you wonder... who exactly it is that you are trying to comfort? The only things you can offer in a limitless way, is your ability to listen and your willingness to stay no matter where the ship is going.

For the first time in my life, I lost my words, I lost my voice. I couldn't write, I didn't know what to talk about anymore, to anyone...about anything. The only things that seemed important to say were - "I believe in you" and "I love you".

Life is different now and still changing. This summer will probably see even more challenges. But now I am finding my power again, my voice is back. There will be fun posts again...because there is more to share then just stress and depression. Hailey has grown so much and experienced so many great new things.

"I promise you not a moment will be lost as long as I have heart &
voice to speak & we will walk again together with a thousand others & a
thousand more & on & on until there is no one among us who does not know
the truth: there is no future without love." ~ Brain Andres

Treading in Dangerous Waters

OK...

Someone please talk some sense into me.

As much as I have been telling myself that my daughter's bed is getting too small for her - I actually had to face reality - the bed is not getting any smaller then the day we bought it. My little girl has started to suddenly sprout legs! I needed to do something to make her appear small again, as soon as possible!

So...this past weekend (during the beginning of the vicious ice storm that hit the area), my husband and I went out to the furniture store and bought Hailey a 'big girl bed'. We didn't plan on buying anything...we were just looking...I SWEAR! Alas, we were sucked in by the all powerful, inescapable 'President's Day Sale!'

...damn you Abe.

Regardless...I love the bed. It is amazing... certainly nicer then any bed I have slept in. We got the bed and the bookcase set only (hey as much as I love Mr. Lincoln I just wasn't going to get the dresser too). If we thought it was hard to get her to bed before...now she'll have all sorts of distracting stuff right within arm's reach!!

Um...good thinking on my part...?!?

While that alone might put me in league with the crazy folk, that is not the subject which is going to require the intervention....

besides...we already bought it, there is no going back now.

What I need is someone to prevent my overwhelming urge to hand-make her a quilt for the bed. I have been looking everywhere for just the right comforter for her room for months, and cannot find anything that I like. I have totally convinced myself that what I need to do is take the project on myself. "I could make it...yeah...I could..I'm sure of it! I know just how I want it to look!" I have it all planned out in my mind's eye but I have learned that part of my brain is a dangerous, dangerous place. My mind's eye has always had a serious case of beer goggles - it tells me all sorts of things that don't really match up to reality, such as:

"Oh you don't have that much to loose"

....or (as in this case)...

"You could SO make that yourself!"

This is the point where you...the blog reader...scream at your computer screen....."Really?? You didn't learn anything from your previous sewing attempts? You are just going to end up sewing something closed again! Do you really think you can handle a project that big?"

Yep. Absolutely. I even have the fabrics all picked out.

I can do this...I can...I've learned so much already...and...well...my mom quilts. That should count for something...right?

This is why I should never be left alone with the Internet when I am going though project withdrawal. At least the patterns I am considering are easy...I think. I can't wait for the Spring. I need to get outside, out of the house. I'm getting cabin fever and I'm trying to fight it with log-cabin quilt mania! Why can't I be satisfied with a nice table runner or place mat project?

I haven't alerted my immediate 'life-line' sewers...those on the 'front lines' who will be called the moment something goes wrong. Keep you fingers crossed that they will be able to convince me that a coaster would be a better project for me.

Stay tuned.

Adventures in Sewing

I'm a creative person, always have been. Ask me to make something and my right brain revs up and takes over. Painting, drawing, cake decorating, scrapbooking...pretty much anything is fair game for me. I've even been able to create some knitted items - well, they are at least made of yarn so that qualifies as knitting in my book.

So it didn't seem like that big a leap when I started obsessing about getting a sewing machine a year ago. It was uncharted creative territory - my personal artistic rain forest, and I wanted to conquer it. The possibilities were endless. I would look at patterns and imagine the colors and fabrics I could use. My desire to explore these undeveloped urges was granted when I got a sewing machine for Christmas last month. Not just any sewing machine mind you...I did my research. My machine is endorsed by Martha Stewart! I could not fail!

I know lots of people that sew and do a great job of it. If you give my friend Robert a sewing machine, he turns into MacGyver and can make an incredible Halloween costume out of a grocery bag and a roll of twine. I've always been around sewing. During my childhood, my mother sewed constantly - everything from clothing to doll dresses to home decorating. It is part of my history.

Maybe I thought by just being in the presence of great sewers, I would just naturally pick up on it. Perhaps I was actually planning to channel Martha herself through my sewing machine. The possibility existed, that something I saw my mother do when I was 6 years old - would click from my subconscious and ...VOILA...I would magically know how to sew a dart...

...or a zipper...

...or a straight line....

Yeah...sewing isn't like that. Sewing, I found...isn't like any of my other creative pursuits.

Apparently SEWING.... has rules. Lots of them. Confusing ones. It turns out that in order to sew something - you have to know what you are doing.

Hmmm... my entire history of self expression has largely relied on making it up as I go along. I've discovered that I am a fly by the seat of your pants crafter. Regardless, I was undeterred from my goal of ruling the fabric universe. I bravely set off on the path to sewing stardom.

This was my first project. It was from a 'SEW EASY' purse pattern - for 'first time sewers!'...LIES!

I stitched the top closed. Yep. Closed. Unable to open. I found that makes a purse harder to use.

I had to go back to the fabric store.

This time I got a contrasting fabric for the liner. What a brilliant idea! That made it much easier....to notice that on my second attempt, I sewed the lining inside out. At least I was smart enough to buy enough fabric for a third try.

The whole time I'm trying to figure out what the stupid pattern is telling me to do...I have my mother on speed dial. Literally, every 10 minutes I called her up and almost demanded that she read the minds of the people who wrote out these crazy directions. I kept Robert updated via text messages and forced my poor husband to figure the pattern out (like he was putting together a swing set).

Fortunately, he did figure it out, because the third time, it actually worked...kinda. I ended up faking the bottom sewing and I used snaps on the straps because I wasn't sure what 'topstitch' meant. I'll bet the end result is not what the 'Sew Easy' people envisioned...but I actually really love it! I use it as a book bag and it is super soft and easy to carry.

After my bag fiasco, everyone assured me that one of the easiest pattern to learn sewing would be pajama pants for kids. GREAT! I have a kid! She wears pajama pants! It must be fate! I can do this!

Yep. Sewed the crotch closed. Closed. Lacking the ability to enter. Again. I didn't even realize it until I was finished.

At this point you are probably thinking that I must have some kind of fear of fabric openings.

I would have to agree. I guess when I see two pieces of fabric, some voice inside me tells me to sew them together, no matter what the pattern says. Maybe I have developed a new obsessive-compulsive disorder. But HEY...I got the pockets right...damn it! She can't put them on, but she can put stuff in them (that is more than I can say about that first purse attempt!)!

I think this was the point when I called my mom and apologized for complaining about wearing home-sewn clothes when I was a kid. I vaguely remember not wanting to wear my mother's creations, and now I am embarrassed by that. I had no idea how much work went into it. Hailey was going to wear these pants even if I had to staple them to her.

Completely exasperated, I cut out all the pants pieces again and - without sewing anything - asked Nathan to follow the pattern directions and pin the fabric where it should be sewn. He came out with the same result I did (oh thank God I'm not totally crazy). So for 30 minutes, he and I troubleshot the pattern. We had to get a pair of his store bought pants out as an example...but we (ok...he) finally figured out where I went wrong.

I was able to make my daughter a pair of very long, loosely fitting, clown pants...and she loved them.."Those are my favorite pants EVER!" Made it all worth while (sorry again Mom).

By this time, I was beginning to realize that fabric is expensive. So when I came across a pattern for the cutest felt doughnut, I thought...perfect. What could be easier...no lining, no crotch. Felt is cheap. I'm pretty familiar with a doughnut shape...I got this one.

Now it seems that I developed an inability to sew things closed and that became my downfall (Whipstitch? What the hell is whipstitching?). At least I was exploring new areas of failure.

Four doughnut mistakes later...I finally made this chocolate doughnut with pink icing. Is it cute...? Sure it's cute, but not a cute as it would be if it was doughnut #1 and not doughnut #5.

Three projects under my belt, but it feels like 20 (my scrap pile makes it look like 40). Oddly enough, my enthusiasm has not wavered - even though the realism has set in. For me, there is almost something 'zen-like' about sitting down at that machine - like craft yoga. I make the creative decisions up front, then I can let go and give in to the execution. For ten minutes that seam allowance line on my sewing machine becomes my mantra... and I don't have to think about anything else.

So I will take it project-by-project, hopefully I'll learn things along the way. Maybe I'll take a class - maybe they know what whipstitching is. My desire to rule the fabric universe...uh...yeah...that may take a little longer then I planned...

...a little longer and a lot more fabric.

Talking the Talk

One of the things I am discovering that is delightful about having a kid, are the conversations you find yourself involved in. Many, many funny exchanges happen not only between you and your child but with other adults as well. Some of them are those 'You had to be there' type moments, but a lot of them are still funny after re-telling. Don't believe me..? Here are three example of recent conversations that struck me as funny and still do.

Food
We are always looking for ways to expand her 'food vocabulary' - what she will eat at home has a far narrower scope then what she will eat at preschool (thank God she is eating healthy somewhere). We recently have resorted to creative ways to get her to eat new things - protein (beyond peanut butter) is a tough one. So when I gave her some ham lunch meat a while ago, she started whining about not wanting to eat it...and this is how the conversation went...

Hailey - "I don't like Ham forever!"
Me - "But Hailey...this is No Zombie Ham"
Hailey - "What?"
Me - "It's No Zombie Ham...it keeps zombies away"
Hailey - "It does?"
Nathan - "Yep, zombies are scared of ham. If you eat ham, zombies won't come near you"
Hailey -"Oh...OK"

*and she proceeded to eat the entire bowl... and has not complained about ham since.


Boys
Another topic we have discussed is a little more - delicate. We got word from preschool that Hailey (and some other girls) have been overly attentive to a certain boy in class and his parents are getting concerned.

Ok...she's kissing him - a lot apparently.

So Nathan had a talk with her about kissing boys. The end result is that Hailey has agreed to two things... #1 - that school is not the place to kiss boys. #2 you shouldn't kiss boys until you are older. From what I can tell, she has stuck by her promises - at least there have been no more concerns from her teacher. The agreement prompted her to tell us one day that...

"I can't wait to grow up... so I can move out and kiss boys" Awesome.


'Normal' Behavior
This one is the most recent. Hailey has had a wicked cough and runny nose lately. The night before last, she woke up screaming about her ear hurting. So I promised her I would take her to the doctor's office. Now... it helps if you understand that....it was just one week prior to yesterday's appointment, that she was in the same office for pink eye. That day, it took myself and two nurses to corner her behind the reception desk after she went running and screaming from the exam room.

So yesterday, when she was thrashing about the table, completely incapable of sitting still or being quiet... I have this conversation with her doctor...

Doctor - "This is 'normal' for kids that don't feel well."
Me - "What is normal?"
Doctor - "This extreme ramped-up behavior. Often kids that don't feel well will exhibit more energy and stubbornness."
Me - "Actually, this is really good behavior for her."
Doctor - "Oh...um..ok..."


There is never a dull moment -or- a dull conversation when kids are involved.

Ahh...Memories

I have been thinking a lot about what my personal life has become recently. Living with a small, imaginative and slightly hyper (*cough...cough*) child keeps you on your toes. Things change so much that it is not only hard to keep up, but you don't have to time to even think about how your world has been altered. During one particularly rigorous, weekend housecleaning session, I had the realization that I now find myself doing a lot of things that I never imagined would be part of my daily routine. I began fondly remembering aspects of my former life as a N.C.C.P (Non-Crazy Child Parent). I decided I needed to share those things that have been seriously altered in my life within the past 4 years.

I remember when:

• Cleaning the house didn't involve scraping 'things' off the entertainment center with my thumbnail.
• I could leave a restaurant and not be sticky (or embarrassed).
• I could watch a movie (TV show, commercial...anything) without having to answer 30 BAZILLION questions.
• (related to the above) I remember when I used to know the answer to a question... ("Why is that cow brown?")
• (also related to the above)...or could even understand the question in the first place...("How is that man with wings mad at the brown zombie cow?")
• I remember the days when my living room carpet was the same color.
• Doing the laundry didn't require a multitude of stain identification/removal techniques.
• I almost remember what waking up 'naturally' feels like - and I'm pretty sure it didn't involve someone climbing into your bed and farting on you.
• I also remember when I didn't spend a significant amount of my day cleaning stickers off things.
• When telling someone "just a minute" actually lasted a minute.
• I could vacuum the carpet without first inspecting it with a magnifying glass for small toy-like objects.
• There was a time when I ordered a meal without being asked if ..."it was for a boy or a girl".
• I used to take days off of work because I was the one who was sick.
• A quiet house didn't make me nervous.
• I could be more than 4 feet away from the paper towel at any given moment.

That all being said, I also remember that my days in the past were never this hilarious, unpredictable and oddly rewarding. I go to bed at night happy that we all made it through the day unscathed - even if the carpet didn't. So I will gladly keep trying to identify which toy the mysterious chunk of broken plastic belongs to... or finding ways to remove ballpoint pen marks from the couch cushions... it's worth it in the end.

Really...