Upbeat vs. Downbeat

If you know me personally, I think you would agree that… I’m a pretty upbeat type of person. I would say that 90% of the time, I am a happy camper – willing to do just about anyone a favor at work or in my personal life. Get to know me a little better… and you may start to notice the things that irritate or upset me. I may confide my worries and fears, but those are fairly short lived. I empathize with others and I openly feel my emotions, but almost always my glass is half full. I like my life like that.

Life is too short to be anything less than happy. Really.

But this year…this year has been a rough one…from the very beginning it just seems like one thing after another. 2010 had barely hit the snooze button on the New Year’s Eve alarm clock when I lost my grandmother… my last remaining grandparent. That was hard, but even then there was some silver lining under the surface. Her life was long and full, her passing was short yet loving…and… some old walls came tumbling down - walls that had been in place for as long as I can remember.

If that had been the only thing the year dropped, it would have been enough. However, it didn't just end there. I have been to more funerals this year, then in the first 25 years of my life. Stan, Mark, Mr. Prine...each one of them affected me in a different way, each one made me question some part of myself and how I am perceived by others. This year, many people I care about also lost friends and relatives. 2010 was relentless, unwavering and indiscriminate about whom it touched.

Even midway through the summer, the uncertainty about our jobs and the economy didn't help to ease the tension. When you hate your job, it’s easy to say that the money isn't worth it…until you think about what that bottom line really means. Is the grass really greener on the other side…or is it just…more grass? The job stress still lingers, with no immediate solution in sight. 2010 took the wheel, and it felt like I lost control, that all I could do was react.

But now I’m just whining. I've done that lot this year. So many people have things far worse than I do. I know that, I do.

Besides, this past year has had high points as well as its low points. Of course, Hailey is always a joy and a gift. Regardless of what I felt on the inside, she never ceased to be the brightest light on a dark day. Having her around makes anything that life decides to throw at me… feel like a Nerf ball. I hope she someday understands that type of power with a child of her own.

Specific happiness has come from a variety of places:

My sister-in-law Angie decided to move back home after years of living down south. The time spent with her in just a few short months has changed us for the better. She is a magnet that keeps so many people together, I’m glad Hailey will have a chance to really get to know her aunt.

Our good friends Seth and Jamie were finally blessed with a pregnancy and a beautiful baby girl. Knowing first-hand about the struggle for pregnancy, I am overjoyed for them. Some people are meant to be parents and I can’t think of two people who deserve that honor more.

I have a couple of friends who are close to my heart... finally find the right people (not each other) to share their own hearts with. Robert and Palee have waited so long for these feelings that the sparkle in their eyes is… almost amusing. It is fun to watch their excitement build, they are an important reminder to me… that sometimes love does win.

I wish love always won.

Death isn't the only way in which I have lost the people who are the most important to me this year. My inner circle has been altered, and that has been the hardest hit. It has always been a curious phenomenon to me... when bad things happen...how a heart that seems so empty, can feel like it weighs so...so much. It may take a while to remember that the good feelings that I have, will always be there, no matter what. Eventually, I'll feel them again. No...things won't be the same...but great memories remain. Relationships can change, but love doesn't....it can't.

Even though I am ending this year on a downbeat…I can’t help but look around and notice how beautiful the world really is. It is December and the lake outside my window has gone to sleep for the winter. The landscape is cold and quiet, but incredible... even the ugly parts are a miracle.

Even the ugly parts.

Behavior 101

I promised you a blog about my first 'parent/teacher conference' at Hailey's school...so here it is.

I alluded in my previous posts, that Hailey's first school assessment was not entirely positive. Educationally, as a four year old, she appears to be fine, a normal four-year-old. But behaviorally, she is having some difficulties. She apparently has some serious listening problems (really..what 4 year old doesn't?).

Plus.. she also 'teases' her classmates to the point that many of them don't want to play with her. Her teacher worries about her being shunned by her peers and friends when she gets 'too aggressive' (using that word loosely...as she doesn't get physical). Their solution is to take steps with Hailey to get her to 'listen to her friends words' and acknowledge their feelings about how she is treating them.

Understood...agree 100%. She needs to learn how to get along with others...I'm pretty sure that is what pre-school is all about. Honestly, I think that is what 90% of life is about, so sure...she should start now.

As her mother...I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole talk with her teacher. It was a couple of weeks ago and my opinion still wavers. I appreciate the teacher's concerns and I understand the situation. The feelings I am having, deep down, aren't about the school, the people there or what they are teaching her. We have nothing but good things to say about her pre-school. While she might be having some struggles, her knowledge and behaviors have greatly improved from what they were before.

Still....

This is the first time, as a parent, that I have heard a criticism of my child.

It sucks. You want (and wrongly often expect) that the world will see them like you do.

Depending on how I am feeling at any given time, my thoughts run an entire spectrum of emotions....

Sadness

The idea that my sweet baby girl might be ostracized from her peers absolutely hollows me out inside. I get flashbacks of some of my own experiences and visions of Hailey in middle school (which is in my opinion the most vicious age of childhood), and I have to fight to hold back the tears. The urge to leave work and take her from school... just to hug her... can be overwhelming. I want her to be loved by everyone, not just by her family. I get to see all sides of her, I know she is amazing and caring. The thought that someone from outside are family can make her feel less than that...is nothing short of painful.

Guilt

She is an only child of older parents (well...I'm at least older). She has no one in the family her age...I have no friends with kids her age. Outside of school, Nathan and I...working adults...are her playmates. That is all out of my control. However, It starts me thinking...do we not keep her behavior at home 'in check' enough? It feels like we are always correcting her - I can't imagine doing it more. I don't want every word out of our mouths to be negative.

Often, she plays aggressive or she 'teases' us. If we scold her, it is mostly because it gets annoying, not because we are offended...but of course...we aren't four years old. In daycare, she played with kids of various ages...with various degrees of success. Since this is our first and only child, maybe we don't know enough, maybe we don't do enough. I don't spend my time reading child behavior books...perhaps the professionals do have a better method.

However, just this week, we got a note that she was called down to the office for being a disruption in class...so I'm not sure that the school's techniques are working any better than ours.

That brings in my next feeling...

Anger

With all the good things I have said about the school, part of me gets angry when I think about it. I know they strive to foster a positive environment...but dang it...if she misbehaves...put her in a freakin time out! I know my kid... at this point in her life, she needs a consequence (or a reward). If she doesn't change her behaviour because all you do is explain that it hurts the other child's feelings... then remove her from the group until she understands. Show her there is an immediate price for not being nice. Otherwise...the price she pays will be the slow exclusion from the other kids. The only result of that will be her believing "they don't like who I am", instead of " they don't like my actions". That is already happening, and quite frankly it makes me sad and pisses me off, all in one breath.

Before school, daycare and I talked about discipline methods and we were on the same page. What she experienced during the day, was reinforced at home in the evening. I'm trying to repeat what she gets at school....to 'explain' to Hailey how her actions effect her dad and I...but it just hasn't sunk in yet. She still thinks it is a fun game. Until that magical day where the light bulb flicks on... I will continue to do a combination of both, explain how her actions impact others, then stick her in the corner and set the timer.

Wrongful Justification
Plus, there is a tiny part of me that thinks... some of the girls in her class must be a bunch of sissies. It's terrible, I know. I imagine that is the way a school bully's parents must justify their kid's behaviour (and I certainly don't want her to be a bully). I'm not proud of that feeling. However, it's an honest gut reaction...and I am all about recording my honest feelings in this blog. I can't believe that her intention is to be mean...I think she plays differently than a lot of the other kids, and just doesn't understand yet. I looked at her class picture, and there are at least 2 girls to every boy in her class. I wonder if it would be as big an issue if she were a boy - who are almost expected to be more assertive and aggressive. She is not a 'girly-girl'...neither was I. We don't want her to change into something she isn't, she should be true to herself.

When I started thinking about writing this blog entry...I came across this quote

"They were wrong, she was ok just the way she was"

Realistic

Initially, I connected that saying to Hailey and the problems she is having with school...but I slowed down and realized that they aren't trying to change my daughter into something she's not, even if it does feel like that sometimes. Yes she is a girl...but no, she isn't always cotton candy sweetness. If they were trying to change that aspect of who she is...they would have a serious battle on their hands (from me and from Hailey). The people who I entrusted my daughter to during the day, aren't changing her, they are trying to help her. Her teachers are just helping her learn to respect others...and of course I'm on board with that. Maybe I don't agree that the method they are choosing will be the fastest road. All I can tell them is "If that is the way you want to do it...fine...but you better have patience."

So... in the end, what did I learn from my first parent/teacher conference....?

* She's ONLY 4-years-old.... she's been in a school environment 3 months...give her time

* We are good parents who love our child, we aren't doing anything wrong (and neither is she...)

* We have a lot of school ahead of us, and while they aren't the enemy...I'm not always going to agree with everything they do.

Maybe they are right...maybe they are wrong, either way... she IS ok just the way she is!

Anti-Vampire Tacos

Before I move on to the subject of Hailey's pre-school conference, I thought I might lighten my mood a bit with a few of the more recent Hailey stories.

No Vampire Halloween

Let's start with Halloween. I completely forgot in my last post to mention what Hailey wore this year for a Halloween costume. For a long time, she was insistent on being a vampire...until she sat on my lap while I was surfing the web for kids costumes. That is when we ran into this beauty of an outfit....

Spider Girl!

It was the essential blend of kick-butt action hero mixed with sweet pink girliness that defines my daughter perfectly *note the black shoes which I believe are on the wrong feet*. This was the first year she really understood what Halloween was about...candy. In fact, one of the first houses we went to, she didn't yell "Trick-or Treat"...she jumped up and down and said "Candy, Candy, Candy". Yep, that's my girl...gets right to the heart of things. It has been decided that her favorite types of candy are: suckers, (and if they have gum inside them...all the better), red licorice and "Eh-Ems" (M&M's in Hailey-speak).

Vampire Boyfriend

Shortly after Halloween, our next story took place. This involves her continuing obsession with our friend's' 15 year old son...Conner. One evening, Hailey and I were relaxing on the couch with her magnetic drawing board. As she so often does...she asked me to draw a picture of her and Conner. This time, Conner was dressed as a vampire and Hailey as Spider Girl....with hearts all around them. As she took over possession of the board - in order to color in Conner's vampire cape - she announced to me that Conner is her boyfriend. I laughed a little at that statement. She paid no attention to me and again told herself that Conner was indeed her boyfriend. When I continued to laugh...she stopped drawing, looked me square in the eye and with the most serious expression I have seen on her face said to me.... "OH...he WILL be mine!" I almost fell off the couch I was laughing so hard. I suppose it is good to have goals in life.

Our last story...oddly enough...also involves vampires. Hmmm...

Anti-Vampire Taco
I mentioned in my last post that our former daycare provider, Jamie, just had her own baby. After her birth, I signed up to deliver a meal to them for their first week. I decided to make a chicken broccoli braid (a la Pampered Chef). Nathan and I were making 2 of them (one for us as well) when Hailey pulled up a stool to help. She didn't quite understand the braiding of the bread, so she asked if we were making a taco...sure...rather than try to explain what we were really doing, we went with it and told her - "Yep its a taco".

She leaned in for a closer look... then announced that it 'was stinky'. I told her "Oh, that's the garlic you smell"... to which Nathan responded "Hailey, garlic keeps away vampires!" This made Hailey very happy and she declared the meal was now a "No Vampire Taco!" ...thus, the Anti-Vampire Taco was born!

Once we finished the braid for Seth and Jamie, I put a note with cooking instructions on it and put it in the freezer. After the second one was done being braided, Hailey decided she needed to put a note on our taco as well. I found a post-it-note and pencil and Hailey dictated the words as she was 'writing'....

"Dear Family -
This is a no vampire taco.

Which is good.

Mom, I love you.

Dad, have a good day.

-Love Hailey.

The vampires are running away now."

Take THAT vampires!! There will be NO vampires in our house - except for Conner of course.

Moving Past Autumn Already...

It's been a while since my last post...a long while....

OK... so I haven't posted anything for almost 3 months. HEY! They were 3 really busy months!

My personal time has freed up a bit, so let me catch you all up to date on all things Hailey and beyond.

First of all, Nathan got a new job... well... kind of a new job. Same company, just a 'forced, lateral job shift'. So, this past summer/fall have been a little tense. We really didn't know what was coming. While we were pretty confident he would keep his job...we didn't know for sure. Life is now on firmer ground. The whole family is still getting used to a new schedule, but things are less chaotic and we are finding our rhythm again.

For myself... things have been moving along much as they ever have. I worked with my former high school's marching band again this fall, but I have signed off on doing winter guard for them permanently. Last year was just too stressful. I have decided to start taking better care of myself and (with Nathan's job change) I need to be home more for my family. A quick back problem and short prescription for physical therapy confirmed that I need to focus a little more on my health for my family and myself.

In other news.....Nathan and I hosted our first official 'family holiday' at our home. In the past, we have had guests over for birthday parties and pumpkin carvings. However, this was the first time that we fed more than just a few people in a traditional sit down meal. Being the fearless souls that we are, our first try at a holiday meal was....*drumroll*... Thanksgiving! All of the Yosts were there, the meal was good, the company was great and I think a tradition may have been born. I did learn a few things..

#1. Having the timer for the turkey go off and no one has arrived yet is very stressful (i.e. put the turkey in an hour later).

#2. While olives are not a big hit with the Yost family, mixed nuts are.

#3. Hailey loves canned cranberry jelly.

Speaking of my little Hailey Bug...

When I last left you, Hailey was headed off to pre-school for the first time...you may be wondering how that is coming along. I can honestly say that I am very happy with the choice we made, and I have certainly made peace with my baby moving on to a more structured school environment.

We all still miss Jamie a lot, but earlier this month, she gave birth to her own baby girl. Now she has a little 'Lizzy Bug' of her own!! We couldn't be happier for her and Seth, no couple deserves a family more, they are going to be great parents.

Back to Hailey...

I'd like to say she is thriving at pre-school, but that wouldn't be 100% honest. What I can say is that she is definitely growing and learning. She can now write the first letter in her name, and I have seen her attempting the second one. At home, we have been trying to support what she is learning at school. We work with her pen/pencil skills by doing mazes with her at night.

Her memory is improving as well - she can recall her day with much more clarity and with a larger vocabulary. The problems we had with her colors are a thing of the past... plus she has learned so much about the world around her (the other day she announced that her favorite dinosaur was a 'ceretops' - and that it had 'bunny ears').

School has been teaching her so much more than just her ABC's. It has been wonderful to read about the things she has learned and to see it reflected in her behaviours. She gets music classes, she is keeping a journal...and...we just signed her up for ballet classes that take place during her school day (which, much to her mother's happiness, she is enjoying).

However, Hailey is having her struggles as well...socially. I just had my very first parent/teacher conference (no...I did not get called in specifically) and my little girl has issues she needs to sort out. I will discuss this topic further in my next blog entry...my feelings are too lengthy to tack on to this already long post. All I will say is that even at the age of 4, we are now fully immersed in the 'girl social culture' that I fear we will be caught in for a long...long...time.

There...you are pretty much caught up with all the 'goings-on' of the past several months in my household. Now you will be better prepared for the upcoming topics of parent/teacher talks, dinosaur ballerinas and anti-vampire tacos.

I bet you can't wait.....

Letter To Hailey on Turning Four

Dear Hailey -

Every year, when I start to write your birthday letter, I wonder what it is that I am going to end up saying to you. This year, I know what I need to tell you and I hope I can put it into the right words.

The summer is almost over...and... in less than a week, you are going to start going to pre-school. It is going to be a big change for everybody. Jamie has been doing daycare for you since you were 9 weeks old. You have never known anything else...but I am certain that you are ready for this next step. I feel very comfortable with your new school... the people and the program are the right choice for us. You are going to love it and I guarantee that you will flourish there.

I know it is time, I know it is a good choice. But all the things I know in my head... haven't made their way down to my heart yet. This transition has been very hard... on both me and your dad.

I have been uneasy all summer long, particularly as it got closer to the fall. For me, you still seem so little. Lately, I have felt more protective of you and I think about you all day. The urge to be with you hasn't been this strong since we first took you to daycare. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when you were ready to leave Jamie, but I didn't think I would get this upset. I couldn't even think about it until the end of the summer... when I had to deal with it.

Even though I have really been struggling with my emotions lately, something happened on your birthday vacation to the water park that is helping me put the whole situation into a better perspective.

When we entered the park, they told us that you were big enough to go on the 'adult' body slide...all by yourself... as long as there was someone waiting for you at the end. I looked at that giant slide, then I looked at you... and decided right away that I wasn't comfortable with that idea. So, for the first night and part of the next day, we played in the kiddie wading pool where you were perfectly content to go down the kid's slide. I sat and watched as you ran in an endless circle, happy... even though you were doing the same thing, over and over again. Then your dad suggested that we try the adult body slide. I wasn't thrilled at the thought, but I also didn't want to stand in your way. So...I went to the end of the slide and waited...watching your dad and aunt climb you to the top. When you reached it, I could see you shaking your head 'No' and I felt a bit of relief thinking that you were going to walk back down. Aunt Angie went down the slide first to show you that there wasn't anything to be afraid of. When she finished, the two of us watched your dad nudge you down the slide. Watching you go...I was so scared for you, and as much as I might not want to admit it now...I started to cry. I knew you were either going to love it, or it was going to frighten you so much that you would never want to do anything like that again. I didn't want you to be scared and alone on that big slide full of water. When you finally came out at the bottom, the first thing you said was "I wanna do it again!".

You never went back to the kiddie pool.

Barely a week later, you are headed off to a new school and I feel like I'm back at the water park, watching everything unfold all over again:

• seeing you race to the top (even when you don't know what is waiting for you there)...
• your dad beside you to give you the gentle nudge...
• me at the bottom waiting to catch you, hoping you don't get scared...
• you...brave, bold and excited to accomplish something new...
• and the realization that you will be leaving the 'little kid' things behind you...
  

As scary as it feels for me, I have to constantly remind myself that growing up is part of being a kid... and allowing your kids to grow up is part of being a parent - the most important and the most difficult part.

You are finally here, ready to take on new challenges and new adventures. So, as you start the process of learning, exploring new things and growing out of the 'kiddie pool', I have some words of wisdom to share with you...

• Always be yourself... no matter what your new friends are like
• Never loose your silly or stop dreaming... no matter how much you learn
• The most important opinion is your own... no matter what anyone else thinks of you
• Remember that I love you... no matter how much you grow up
  

Never be afraid of the slide...the ride is always worth it in the end!

I Love You Hailey Bug! - Momma

Don't Lose the Silly

Ok...deep breath. Visits have been made, questions asked, numbers crunched...a decision has been reached and...we are putting in a deposit for Hailey's pre-school tomorrow.

There. I said it...and it's like a big monkey just fell right off my back.

I have been in denial all summer. Didn't want to think about it, didn't want to deal with school... I wove this beautiful blanket of procrastination and I covered my head with it. However, it is now August, and I have to be a grown-up and take care of things that are more important than my own anxieties. Spending yesterday at different pre-schools really helped to wrap my brain about the idea of sending Hailey off to school. She is ready for it, she is going to love it. But, I'm not ready for it... my heart is not ready for it, and I don't know how to make that part o.k. yet.

When the subject of school was first mentioned, I immediately envisioned what television has told me will happen.....sending my four-year-old off on a school bus to fend for herself at a nameless mystery school with faceless people I don't know. I had an mini (albeit fierce), internal anxiety attack. My heart literally ached and it felt like someone placed an anvil on my chest. I said, "She's too little"... banished the thought from my mind and refused to think about it at all...until last week.

Obviously, that isn't what is going to happen. Her pre-school is fun, bright and cheerful with really nice people - who, I noticed yesterday, all have faces. No evil buses so I won't be standing on the curb waving and blowing my nose in a Kleenex.

Hailey will have no problem with the transition. Will she miss seeing Jamie everyday - the only daycare provider/second mother she has ever known...? Absolutely she will. But kids just naturally have that something that most adults struggle with their whole lives....flexibility. She will bounce right into this transition and treat it like a 'changing of the guard'.

I don't have the same flexibility as a 4 year old....[insert your own joke here].

Jamie is my friend and I realize that I have a comfort level with her that I know I will never have again. If I find I am missing Hailey while I am at work, I call Jamie and she tells me how my daughter is facing her day. If I wanted to, I know I could drop in for a visit. Something tells me that if I try that with school...I'll get talked about in staff meetings.

When I gave Hailey to Jamie for daycare, of course, I was upset at first. I felt like I was giving my daughter to someone else to raise. But from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew it had to happen...I had to work. To be honest, when it was time, a small part of me was ready to go back to work. It felt like it was time to move forward and start our life as a family. One day I was with her, the next day she was at daycare...that was it. Nothing about Hailey actually changed, same baby, same cuteness, same smelly diapers.

This is pre-school and it isn't a shock either, I always knew school was inevitable as well. However, this feels like the very beginning of a long tunnel that ends in adulthood. This change is all about Hailey...how much she has changed and how much she will change. She is going to experience so much. It will be nice to watch her grow and learn....nice...forget that... it's going to be amazing! I am truly excited to see it happen. Everyday will be new things to talk about and new stories to tell. Every year is going to be different teachers and more friends.

But I'm also going to be sad, such a big part of me doesn't want her to grow up. I love this age. Will I be proud the day she brings home the first paper that she writes her own name on...? Yes - knowing me, I'll probably frame it. But at the same time, I'm going to miss my goofy kid. I'm going to miss asking her "What comes after the number 4?" and getting "Karate?" as a reply.

So I'm going to send her off to pre-school...with new clothes, crayons, paper and whatever school supplies the television has told me she can't live without. But I'm also going to put something else in her backpack.... a little hope...a little prayer...

"Dear Hailey- have a good day at school today. Behave, have fun and learn lots of cool stuff to tell me about at home. Promise me one thing... please, my sweet baby girl...always be your amazing self, never... ever lose the silly. -I Love you...Mom"

Life in the Fastlane

Everyone says it....

you know its true....

Life just moves so FAST!

It's one of the many, many things I didn't realize the full extent of - until I had a kid. I feel bad about not posting for a while, but lately, the couch has been more appealing than the keyboard. Things have happened.. lots of things.. funny things...but individually they were small enough not to inspire an entire entry.

However, time moves forward, Hailey is growing up and there are things to be shared again. She is so BIG now, not just taller with bigger feet...so much more independent, so much her own person. She is all attitude and mischief with a dash of sweetness. If she thinks something is funny, good luck trying to get her to stop doing it, no matter how dangerous or (more often) annoying it might be.

She is certainly funny...Holy God is she funny! She will just say things that make Nate and I just look at each other and bust out laughing. It can be the most common of things too, but out of the mouth of a 3 year old...it's just a riot. For example: she loves playing this Lego Batman game on her handheld Nintendo DS (we did not buy a toddler a DS... it's mine that she confiscated) and she is alarmingly good at it. However, she doesn't have all the problem solving skills she needs for such a complex game, so she asks for a LOT of help to get Batman and 'Robert' unstuck. Last night she asked me (yet again) for help and after I helped save Robert, she walked back to her chair, looked me in the eye and said "I'm just so sick of this"....so ordinary....yet so dang funny coming out of that face.

In terms of things that have happened lately, she has taken more swim classes and is getting fairly good for a kid who can't float. She loves the water and we had to pry her out of her aunt and uncle's pool on the fourth of July. She made my heart race on more then one occasion where she slipped out of her floaty - I didn't get more than 8 inches away from her the entire time.

Her attention span has really increased and we have been able to take her to see some movies in the theater. Her first film was 'How to Train Your Dragon' she went to that with daycare. Nate then took her to see 'Toy Story 3' last month. I finally got my chance this past weekend when the three of us went to see 'Despicable Me'...she was really good and barely asked any questions during the movie, but I think at the end she was more interested in the popcorn

The biggest thing in Hailey's life this past summer has been the arrival of Aunt Angie from Georgia. Nathan's sister moved back home this spring and Hailey absolutely adores her! Whenever Angie is around, mom and dad totally drop off the radar. Forget it, stick a fork in us we are done, yesterday's news. Hailey won't let Angie out of her sight, she threw a royal hissy fit when Angie left to go get more food without her at the Chinese buffet. Hailey loves Angie so much that she climbed up into Angie's lap and told her "You're my girlfriend". As much as it takes mom down a peg or two...it has been amazing to have Angie back home and I am so glad she and Hailey have such a good relationship.

Speaking of things like 'girlfriends'...my 3 year old daughter is absolutely obsessed with BOYS! Hailey calls them 'handsomes' and the obsession seems to spike after watching one too many Disney Princess movies - the ones where the princess always kisses her prince in the end. Hailey has her own version of Prince Charming....he's 15....seriously...15 - he can almost drive! Conner is the son of our really close friends Park and Emmy... and Hailey thinks the sun rises and sets in his eyes ("He's so handsome"). She constantly wants me to draw him on her Etch-A-Sketch. If Conner isn't home, then their other son Evan fits the bill just as well (Hailey apparently has a thing for blondes). Yes, it's cute...yes it's funny...but it's also a little disturbing. O.K....granted.....she's got great taste in boys, but at this rate, poor Nathan is going to be totally grey before she is even 5 years old.

Lastly, and I am sure this will be the subject of a 'soon to be blog entry'....we are looking in to different pre-schools for Hailey to attend this fall. I know it will be good for her, and she'll probably really enjoy it, but for whatever reason, it is giving me a case of the stress-shakes. She's going to learn so much in pre-school, she'll socialize with a lot of different kids....but ugh...I have been totally dragging my feet on it. Next week, I have appointments to visit two places then the decision process will begin. Something totally overprotective keeps popping into my head to tell me that she's just too little for all of this. I don't know them...how can I even think of dropping her off to someone I don't know... when my whole world seems to revolve around her?

Life moves so fast.

She is so big....she is so independent...

she is, and always will be, my little girl!

The Magic Box

I need to take a minute and tell you about a specific item in Hailey's vast toy collection...the ever-evolving 'dress up box'.

On Hailey's last birthday (her third birthday), my sister-in-law Linda made her a dress up box from a Rubbermaid tub and filled with with all sorts of dress up clothing - scarves, dresses and costumes. Hailey calls it her 'Magic Dress-Up Box'. It holds dozens of items...some of them at small as toddler-sized bracelets - the perfect size to step on in bare feet. One adorable little skirt literally 'sheds' blue, shiny stars all over the house. I have her Magic Box 'hidden' at the end of her bed and I cover it with blankets.

It is a pain... it makes a mess... she wants to play with it ALL the time....parts of it are ALL over the house....AND....

...it simply the greatest thing I have ever seen.

For as much of a bother it is to clean up after...when she starts playing with it, her imagination soars! She adores playing with this thing. Since she got it in August, we have added pirate outfits, wands, princess dresses, monster hats, wings and various fairy wands. It really is fun to see her so excited when she dresses up. The fun isn't for her alone either...whenever someone comes over to the house, she has to drag it out and try on all her outfits. she dances around in them and takes on the personality of whatever she is dressed as (princess, pirate, monster...you name it).

There are clothes all over the house at times, but it is totally worth it...don't believe me, take a look at the pictures....

The Magic Dress-Up Box RULES!

Bye Bye Bedding

Apparently, someone in the world of Home Goods retail decided that the parents of America have just plain given up on home decorating.


When you are pregnant, shopping for things for your child's room offers up so many options...you think your head is going to explode. Should the room have a jungle theme?...gender neutral?...or should we buy so much pink it is like you have walked into a giant box of cotton candy? The choices are endless and all of them are equally cute...no, cute isn't the right word... more ADORABLE than anything else.


The stifled interior decorator inside me was wild with possibility! Items like this cute little retro bedding [left] were begging me to buy them - and I would have...but I didn't feel like taking out a second mortgage on something she would likely wet on.



Now I am looking to a day where Hailey will have a new bed...a bigger bed....with bigger bedding. Again the inner-designer is excited at the possibilities and awash with excitement. Until I started searching for toddler bedding....and all I can really find is this kind of stuff....

ugh.

Now don't get me wrong...I don't mind cartoon characters - they make great Happy Meal toys. In fact, we have certainly done our part in keeping the legacy of SpongeBob Squarepants alive and well.

But I certainly don't want to decorate with them. Ick. Sorry SpongeBob...not even you and Patrick, regardless of how much you make me laugh.

I also don't want to dress my kid in them (if I can help it). However, I do admit to character PJ's (we have a very cool retro Scooby Doo t-shirt which is a particular favorite of mine). We have some shirts with cartoons on them, but mostly I try not to fall into the marketing trap. I don't Hailey to want something only because it has Dora on it.

I think the message from retailers is pretty clear... once your child begins to develop their own opinion and make their own choices...you, as the parent, loose your opinions and choices. Hmmm...Yo Gabba Gabba or Elmo...which annoys me the least? Constant marketing to the youngest possible age bracket is already tiresome to me. She's 3. I'm doomed.

I think it is probably time that I bite the bullet, buy a machine and learn how to sew.

Queen of Grapes

Last night I bought some pre-packaged produce department grapes to eat with out dinner.

I told Hailey that she had to finish her peanut butter sandwich and share the grapes with Mommy and Daddy (she loves grapes). She ate that peanut butter so fast, I don't think she actually chewed it...it probably just stuck to the roof of her mouth and eventually just dissolved.

When she finished, and I opened the package...she gave one grape to me and one grape to her daddy. Then she threw open her arms and declared "Attention Everybody, you've had ENOUGH! These are HAILEY'S" then she patted my sandwich and said... "Mama, finish your sandwich"

Never a dull moment. I guess she did technically share...next time I'll have explain HOW we share.

Ellen's Dance

A Eulogy for My Grandmother


My Grandmother was many things… a mother to 4, a wife to 2 wonderful men, grandmother of 13 and a great grandmother of many more. She was a sister, a friend, a church member and a beautiful spirit.

There are several things about Grandma that I will always remember. I’ll remember how beautiful she was and how she always looked so young for her age - my friends who met her would never believe me when I told them how old Grandma was. I will remember how after she visited, we would always look around for what Grandma had left behind, usually her purse or a hat. I know I will miss her sense of humor, it was a gift she gave the whole family. Holidays at my house are always filled with funny stories and Grandma was always right in the mix…telling her own and laughing along with everyone else.

The largest and most obvious aspect of my grandmother was the deep and intense love she had for her family. Her family meant everything to her. Even last week when I visited her in the hospital, the first thing she asked me about was my three year old daughter and if she enjoyed her swim class. Grandma was always interested in what was going on in the lives of her family, and she in turn was the center that held all the pieces together. I will be forever grateful that when she passed, she did so surrounded by those she loved the most – Stanley and her four children.

When I sat down to think of the impact my grandmother had on me, I remembered a moment from my childhood that made me feel like I was looking at my grandparents for the first time in my life. It was their 50th wedding anniversary and I was 13 years old. That night, my grandmother was dressed in a beautiful, soft pink colored dress… and she looked amazing. They renewed their wedding vows and we had a big reception with great food, skits, lots of laughing and dancing – there was always dancing. Many of you probably know that my grandparents were beautiful dancers…so much so, that I feel sorry for those of you who never had the chance to watch them together. That night, I’m not sure that my grandmother’s feet ever touched the floor… she seemed to me to just float above it.

As I watched them dance, I realized how much more it was than just moving to the music. When Grandpa stepped forward, Grandma stepped back then almost immediately, Grandma would step forward and Grandpa would step back. My grandfather would spin her out and give her that moment to shine…but Grandma always spun back to him and continued the dance. Even as young as I was, I realized… that was what marriage was about. Even though there was that give and take… even though sometimes you had to step back and give your partner their moment in the spotlight…you still had to face each other or the dance wouldn’t work. It was one of the greatest lessons of my life, and my grandparents didn’t even realize they were teaching me, they were just enjoying the dance.

My grandmother’s dance here is over now. I will miss her. I will miss her sense of humor, her love for her family. I will miss the lessons she didn’t know she was giving. But I won’t be sad, because I know that while this song is over, the music doesn’t stop. My grandmother is already onto her next dance…as light and as beautiful as ever.

Winter Sickness

Ack! I didn't blog at all in December! Rats! Well, that breaks the streak I had going of getting in at least one entry every month. Ah well...looking back at the month, I understand why I didn't have time to write, it was pretty busy. Here is a look at what went on during my blog silence...

Dental Woes

The Monday after Thanksgiving, I went to the dentist for a filling. Yay! I didn't think it was going to be too bad, it was just a filling...I've had worse. Well...that filling became a temporary crown, great. My permanent crown would be in about 2 weeks later. In the meantime...the temporary hurt a little - until it fell off, then it hurt a lot. The very next day brought a root canal. Because I was already in pain when I went in, that day was the single most painful dentist visit I've ever had. I actually cried through the whole appointment. The dental assistant kept having to hand me tissues.

The dentist decided to not put the crown back on so I could heal. Because I was crown-less, the next week was not as bad. I was sore and had headaches, but I could at least function like a normal person. When my permanent crown came in the next week, they finished the root canal and put on my crown. By now, I was used to having mouth pain (plus I was numb from the shots) ...so I foolishly decided to go to work. When the numbing wore off at about 2:00, the pain was the most excruciating yet! I was actually in the administration office at work crying and calling my mommy on the phone! I am a grown woman...having my parents come pick me up at work...I felt like an idiot...and idiot in a lot of pain. The teeth are better now, but I can't still bite down too hard on that side of my mouth.

Sicknesses

From Thanksgiving, all through December... pretty much up until today, Hailey has been sick. Not 'fevery' or 'fluey'... but 'coughy', really really coughy. It's bad...like a smoker's hack that wakes her up in the middle of the night. She just can't shake it. We took her into the doctor's office 3 times in December.

The first time they gave her a flu shot and said 'She has a cough' (really?...duh). During this time, I also got the cough (on top of all my dental issues - I was seriously crabby). The second time we took Hailey in was a little more detailed...sinus infection, double ear infection and pink eye. Wow...could she have anything else....? I was waiting to hear athlete's foot, tonsillitis and tennis elbow. Finally... Nathan also got sick (still is) and took both of them in to urgent care.

The result of December is that we have an impressive line of medications on our kitchen counter... 'Oops...that's Hailey's amoxicillin, not mine'

The Holidays

The holidays were good for us once things settled down. On Thanksgiving, Hailey played the video game Rock Band and she was a terror on the drum set. She almost had a tantrum at dinnertime, but she eventually came to the table and had spaghettios for Thanksgiving.

She got WAY too many gifts for Christmas. Oh well, I guess that is what happens when I start shopping for her early. I forget all the stuff I already bought for her and she ends up getting double. That important part is that in the aftermath of Christmas...I actually found a space for it all. Even though she got a lot, she has enjoyed all of her toys and continues to play with them. Some of the things she got included a piano mat (think of the movie 'Big'), a castle shaped tent and play-dough.

The only bad part of Christmas was that because of weather, Nate's parents couldn't come down for Christmas day. We missed them, but we did get to see them a couple of days later. Maybe because of that, I missed some other people in my life more than usual - friends and family who are both far away and very close. However, a dinner with two of my best friends was a great emotional band-aid. *Thanks Guys!*

Winter Guard

I decided to be the director of the winter guard again (after taking a year off) and I am realizing now that might not have been the best decision for me. It has been very, very stressful. The season has not started out smoothly, and I am paying the price...financially and emotionally. Parts of it have been really great, but there hasn't been enough to balance out the not so great parts. A lot of my contribution is done now...so it may get better.

It is so hard when you have been with a program like this for a long time (this is my 7th year) to break away. The two things that keep me coming back are the kids (they are the best part) and the activity itself. I love watching guard, dance, ice skating...anything like that. I can't help listening to music and dissecting it into staging and effect. It's a sickness. The problem is, its a sickness that eventually makes you forget all the stress and only remember the fun...which is great...until it's time to volunteer again.

However, I think the time is coming that I have to find a cure - and I think the cure just might be a 3-year old who has too many Christmas presents and a smokers cough.

So December was filled with physical sickness, emotional stress and missing loved ones. I have a feeling that 2010 is going to bring with it several good remedies for some of those ailments!

for more pictures of Hailey during the holidays visit: The Y Spot Photo Page