Letter To Hailey on Turning Four

Dear Hailey -

Every year, when I start to write your birthday letter, I wonder what it is that I am going to end up saying to you. This year, I know what I need to tell you and I hope I can put it into the right words.

The summer is almost over...and... in less than a week, you are going to start going to pre-school. It is going to be a big change for everybody. Jamie has been doing daycare for you since you were 9 weeks old. You have never known anything else...but I am certain that you are ready for this next step. I feel very comfortable with your new school... the people and the program are the right choice for us. You are going to love it and I guarantee that you will flourish there.

I know it is time, I know it is a good choice. But all the things I know in my head... haven't made their way down to my heart yet. This transition has been very hard... on both me and your dad.

I have been uneasy all summer long, particularly as it got closer to the fall. For me, you still seem so little. Lately, I have felt more protective of you and I think about you all day. The urge to be with you hasn't been this strong since we first took you to daycare. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when you were ready to leave Jamie, but I didn't think I would get this upset. I couldn't even think about it until the end of the summer... when I had to deal with it.

Even though I have really been struggling with my emotions lately, something happened on your birthday vacation to the water park that is helping me put the whole situation into a better perspective.

When we entered the park, they told us that you were big enough to go on the 'adult' body slide...all by yourself... as long as there was someone waiting for you at the end. I looked at that giant slide, then I looked at you... and decided right away that I wasn't comfortable with that idea. So, for the first night and part of the next day, we played in the kiddie wading pool where you were perfectly content to go down the kid's slide. I sat and watched as you ran in an endless circle, happy... even though you were doing the same thing, over and over again. Then your dad suggested that we try the adult body slide. I wasn't thrilled at the thought, but I also didn't want to stand in your way. So...I went to the end of the slide and waited...watching your dad and aunt climb you to the top. When you reached it, I could see you shaking your head 'No' and I felt a bit of relief thinking that you were going to walk back down. Aunt Angie went down the slide first to show you that there wasn't anything to be afraid of. When she finished, the two of us watched your dad nudge you down the slide. Watching you go...I was so scared for you, and as much as I might not want to admit it now...I started to cry. I knew you were either going to love it, or it was going to frighten you so much that you would never want to do anything like that again. I didn't want you to be scared and alone on that big slide full of water. When you finally came out at the bottom, the first thing you said was "I wanna do it again!".

You never went back to the kiddie pool.

Barely a week later, you are headed off to a new school and I feel like I'm back at the water park, watching everything unfold all over again:

• seeing you race to the top (even when you don't know what is waiting for you there)...
• your dad beside you to give you the gentle nudge...
• me at the bottom waiting to catch you, hoping you don't get scared...
• you...brave, bold and excited to accomplish something new...
• and the realization that you will be leaving the 'little kid' things behind you...
  

As scary as it feels for me, I have to constantly remind myself that growing up is part of being a kid... and allowing your kids to grow up is part of being a parent - the most important and the most difficult part.

You are finally here, ready to take on new challenges and new adventures. So, as you start the process of learning, exploring new things and growing out of the 'kiddie pool', I have some words of wisdom to share with you...

• Always be yourself... no matter what your new friends are like
• Never loose your silly or stop dreaming... no matter how much you learn
• The most important opinion is your own... no matter what anyone else thinks of you
• Remember that I love you... no matter how much you grow up
  

Never be afraid of the slide...the ride is always worth it in the end!

I Love You Hailey Bug! - Momma

Don't Lose the Silly

Ok...deep breath. Visits have been made, questions asked, numbers crunched...a decision has been reached and...we are putting in a deposit for Hailey's pre-school tomorrow.

There. I said it...and it's like a big monkey just fell right off my back.

I have been in denial all summer. Didn't want to think about it, didn't want to deal with school... I wove this beautiful blanket of procrastination and I covered my head with it. However, it is now August, and I have to be a grown-up and take care of things that are more important than my own anxieties. Spending yesterday at different pre-schools really helped to wrap my brain about the idea of sending Hailey off to school. She is ready for it, she is going to love it. But, I'm not ready for it... my heart is not ready for it, and I don't know how to make that part o.k. yet.

When the subject of school was first mentioned, I immediately envisioned what television has told me will happen.....sending my four-year-old off on a school bus to fend for herself at a nameless mystery school with faceless people I don't know. I had an mini (albeit fierce), internal anxiety attack. My heart literally ached and it felt like someone placed an anvil on my chest. I said, "She's too little"... banished the thought from my mind and refused to think about it at all...until last week.

Obviously, that isn't what is going to happen. Her pre-school is fun, bright and cheerful with really nice people - who, I noticed yesterday, all have faces. No evil buses so I won't be standing on the curb waving and blowing my nose in a Kleenex.

Hailey will have no problem with the transition. Will she miss seeing Jamie everyday - the only daycare provider/second mother she has ever known...? Absolutely she will. But kids just naturally have that something that most adults struggle with their whole lives....flexibility. She will bounce right into this transition and treat it like a 'changing of the guard'.

I don't have the same flexibility as a 4 year old....[insert your own joke here].

Jamie is my friend and I realize that I have a comfort level with her that I know I will never have again. If I find I am missing Hailey while I am at work, I call Jamie and she tells me how my daughter is facing her day. If I wanted to, I know I could drop in for a visit. Something tells me that if I try that with school...I'll get talked about in staff meetings.

When I gave Hailey to Jamie for daycare, of course, I was upset at first. I felt like I was giving my daughter to someone else to raise. But from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew it had to happen...I had to work. To be honest, when it was time, a small part of me was ready to go back to work. It felt like it was time to move forward and start our life as a family. One day I was with her, the next day she was at daycare...that was it. Nothing about Hailey actually changed, same baby, same cuteness, same smelly diapers.

This is pre-school and it isn't a shock either, I always knew school was inevitable as well. However, this feels like the very beginning of a long tunnel that ends in adulthood. This change is all about Hailey...how much she has changed and how much she will change. She is going to experience so much. It will be nice to watch her grow and learn....nice...forget that... it's going to be amazing! I am truly excited to see it happen. Everyday will be new things to talk about and new stories to tell. Every year is going to be different teachers and more friends.

But I'm also going to be sad, such a big part of me doesn't want her to grow up. I love this age. Will I be proud the day she brings home the first paper that she writes her own name on...? Yes - knowing me, I'll probably frame it. But at the same time, I'm going to miss my goofy kid. I'm going to miss asking her "What comes after the number 4?" and getting "Karate?" as a reply.

So I'm going to send her off to pre-school...with new clothes, crayons, paper and whatever school supplies the television has told me she can't live without. But I'm also going to put something else in her backpack.... a little hope...a little prayer...

"Dear Hailey- have a good day at school today. Behave, have fun and learn lots of cool stuff to tell me about at home. Promise me one thing... please, my sweet baby girl...always be your amazing self, never... ever lose the silly. -I Love you...Mom"