Holding Hands

Ok.  It’s 8:41 am, on Wednesday, September 5, 2012.

My little girl should be starting her first full day of school… right now.

Today is so full of firsts - first day of ‘real school’, first all day class, first time on a bus, first time buying a lunch in the cafeteria.  Oh my….how is it that she is perfectly fine, but I am totally overwhelmed?  Yesterday, I took her to meet her teacher and fill out paperwork for a half day.  It rained, and I got to hold her hand as I walked her to her new school.  Afterwards, we got to hang out together and have an 'adventure'. 

In comparison, this morning was so difficult. Dropping her off at Curious Kids for her ‘before-and-after school’ care was tough.  She was there for less than an hour before they put her on the bus to go to school.  I went over it with her…

M: “OK, tell me what is going to happen today”

H: “You’re taking me to that place to drop me off.”

M: “Curious Kids”

H: “Yes, Curious Kids”

M: “Then what?”

H: “They are going to put me on the bus”

M: “And where is the bus taking you?”

H: “School!!”

M: “Then what happens, you’ll be at school all day – and after school gets out?”

H: “School will put me on the bus”

M: “And take you where?”

H: “Curious Kids!”

M: “Then what happens?”

H: “You pick me up at Curious Kids”

We talked about her lunch money, her snack… and not to forget to take her nap mat to school.  She was so excited…ready to get started, ready to go into the room.   She has never had a problem moving on to new things and new places, never any tears, no clinging.  However, I was kind of a mess.  I didn’t cry, but I felt my eyes starting to water and I did NOT want to leave her.

Why?

 Seriously, I have been ‘leaving her’ all her life.  Wow, that sounds awful. ….awful, but sadly true.   I got six weeks of maternity time and then she was with Jamie.  That was the hardest one, I cried for a week straight every time I had to go to work.  It was the first time I had ever left her.  After Jamie, we went to Tutor Time for Pre-school.  Tutor Time should have been harder on me  (leaving her with people I didn’t know, all day school environment…) but it wasn’t.  I was really comfortable with that place and I knew it was right for us.  She was ready for a structured school environment, even though it was rough for her at first.   I am SO glad we went there when we had the chance.  By the time the next school year came by… she had worked the kinks out and was really thriving.

Then we had public school looming before us.  I went in and had her ‘assessed’ by the school – technically that happened twice, once at Comstock and once at Portage (but …yeah… Comstock doesn’t really count).  Regardless, the assessment at Portage allowed us a choice: ‘ability-wise’ we could put her straight into Kindergarten…she was far enough along that she would have been fine.  ‘Behavior-wise’, she really needed to focus on her listening skills and her concentration… so into the Young-5’s program she went…. half days.  Young 5’s was a really good decision, one I think I will be grateful for in the future.  Really.  Good. Decision. 

 She went to daycare half days with my good friend Emmy, so dropping her off there was not emotional in the slightest, I KNEW she was taken care of  *piece of cake*.  Then Emmy got a full time job, so her half day care switched to another experienced day-care provider near the school.  I was ok dropping her off with Karen too… I had been dropping her off to an adult her whole life. The only thing that stressed me out was Hailey having to walk to school.  I learned to live with it, and eventually it became routine.

Today was just hard.  I wasn’t prepared, I don’t know the people at all (Nathan did the Curious Kids registration).  I’m totally comfortable with her teacher… I think even more than her last one (who I liked very much).  However, I am still so stressed out… it’s the bus and the lunches and the

supplies… and all the new stuff.  I know that there are helpers to make sure she gets on the bus – 5^th graders to help her get to class if she needs it, teachers and volunteers (and on and on)…none of that matters.

It’s just that she is my baby girl, suddenly having to be responsible for herself - having adventures without Mom, without Dad.  To be fair to myself, I am not curled up in a ball under my desk cursing my working mom situation.  At best, I am fine.  I am functional.  I will get through this work day in a productive manner.  At worst… I’m a little stressed, a little… ‘watery’.  I’m watching the clock and mentally taking note of what she is doing at this very moment.

Last night I tried to get her to bed early so she could get some good sleep (didn’t work).  She ended up crying because she wanted me to be with her.  So... I crawled into bed for a snuggle, I think I needed one just as much as she did.  She grabbed my hand and said, "Mama, let's hold hands so we never get lost from each other.  I love you so much".

 Wow.  I cried.  I cried a lot more last night than I did today.

 

New adventures.... but I want to hold on to that hand so much.

 It’s 9:32 am, on Wednesday, September 5, 2012.  My little girl is in Kindergarten.