Real Milestones

When you become a parent, there are milestones moments you look forward to, that need no explanation - the first smile...first word... first step. These moments are so awe inspiring that entire baby book pages are dedicated to their memory. You wait for these moments - often with camera in hand, knowing that they are about to happen. They are recorded, announced to family and friends and celebrated by all. Some of them, like potty training and solid foods, come on gradually over a period of months. However, most seem to come in quick 'Ta-dah' type moments. Parents live for these moments...hell, we misguidedly gauge our child's development by how quickly they reach these milestones.

My favorite milestone moments, are the hidden ones. The journey of raising children is filled with turning points that you aren't expecting, that you don't read about in magazines. These forgotten few have no page in the baby book and yet they surprise you with their clarity and significance.

My first and most beautiful happened long before Hailey spoke her first word. I sat on the couch looking at her, and I saw the spark of understanding in her eyes. She knew who I was and could communicate with me before any attempt at words had been exchanged. The realization, that I would someday be able to speak with her and hear her thoughts, brought tears to my eyes - it still does.

Sometimes the most moving milestones arise from very ordinary, everyday events.

We had one of those a week ago.... at a family birthday party at my parent's house. We were all playing around with Hailey on the floor when she came over and bit me on the chest. It hurt enough to leave a bruise and I was very upset. I took her to the 'time out corner' while my family waited to open birthday gifts. Hailey stood upset and crying in the corner for several minutes before I called her to me. I asked her "Do you know why you were in time-out? What did you do?" She said... "I bit Momma".

I was floored. It was the first time ever that she was able to tell me what she did wrong. If you are not a parent, you may be wondering why that is a big deal... but if you know children...you understand how HUGE that is. She remembered, she realized that her actions caused a consequence and she admitted to it. The bite still hurt like the dickens, but that milestone with Hailey helped make the bruise a little easier to bear.

Moments like that catch you so off your guard that, when you recognize them, they seem to connect to a deeper part of you. They are more monumental then some checklist item which you use as a developmental barometer....they allow you to see glimpses of who your child really is and... who they are about to become. Every one's baby book has a space for first tooth and first haircut, but how many can tell you 'When I learned to be responsible for my actions?'

That...to me... is worth writing down.

Winding the Clock

Today is my 40th birthday.

Four...Zero...

You know what, I'm O.K. with it. I wasn't exactly sure how I would feel when I woke up this morning, but as the day progresses...I'm feeling pretty darn good. I'm getting a lot of love today, friends and co-workers have been wishing me Happy Birthday all day.

This morning, I put on my favorite shirt, new jewelry, lip gloss... and I am happy with myself. I also feel good physically, I have been taking care of myself lately - I have more energy and just generally feel better. When the clock hit midnight last night, I didn't suddenly turn grey and get wrinkles. I didn't dry-up, crumble and blow away in the wind.

Yesterday I got a new hair color and style. While I was getting my hair done, my stylist's 18-year-old daughter was there talking about her latest boyfriend drama...she was young, blonde... absolutely gorgeous and weighed about as much as a sandwich. As I listened to her, I thought to myself...'there is no way in hell I'd ever change places with her'.

I like who I am at 40. To further prove that point, I spent about two hours at the Department of Motor Vehicles yesterday, renewing my drivers license. If you ever are feeling hard on yourself, go down to the DMV and people watch...after about 20 minutes, I promise that you'll leave there feeling like a Kennedy.

Jamie at daycare taught Hailey how to sing Happy Birthday and they called me this morning and sang it over the phone - how does life get better than that? Would I have appreciated the value of that moment when I was 20? Looking back...I can tell you, no I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have had the slightest inkling of how important that would be to me. Today it is everything.

I have a much greater awareness of who I am, good and bad. I have had enough experience with life to be articulate with my feelings and enough courage to be unafraid to share them. I see the little details side by side with the bigger picture. I know the steps that I have taken that led me to this moment and my own personal vantage point. I am grateful for every one that I took.

Four...Zero...

It's just a number. It's not even a very big number...I know because I still remember enough high school French to count to 40.... so it can't be that big.

I came across a quote that neatly sums up my feelings about today...

'You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again'

I'm going to wind my clock back up today. I'm not going to worry about the time that has past...I'm too excited about the time yet to come.

Home Plate

Sometimes, life throws curve balls at you. If you're lucky, you see them coming and can duck out of the way. However, sometimes they hit you unexpectedly and all you can do is pick yourself up, pat yourself down and make sure everything still works. You step up to the plate again because playing the game is important and it's worth it. Your team needs you - and you need your team. You still have the memory of getting hit, but you have to deal with it in order to make the game move forward.

Sometimes life is like that.

Then, sometimes life throws other things at you...softer things that you have to look for, or you'll miss them.

Things like... snuggling with my two-year-old daughter as she sees fireworks for the first time out the back window of our house. She giggled and pointed and kissed me after each one. Even though eventually she yelled "That's Enough!"... she still ran back to the window every time they started up again. If you are fully present in those kind of moments, they can take your breath away, like they did for me.

Often you aren't fully present and some things are so soft that you take them for granted. Simple gestures can be overlooked, words can be said so often that you don't hear the meaning anymore. Everyone has parts of their lives that they take for granted...every single person. It doesn't matter which position you are on the field, everyone can get hit with the ball.

Maybe that is why the curve balls come, because we aren't looking, we aren't paying attention. They are meant to wake us up...both batter and pitcher. The best we can do is put our helmets on, step up to the plate, take another swing and hope this one connects.

If we are lucky, after every firework...there will be kisses.