One of the reasons I am writing this blog, is so that I can keep an informal record of Hailey's childhood, what she was like, how she grew...etc. A side effect of doing this has been that I get to express my personal journey into motherhood, how I feel and how it effects my thoughts and who I am.
This past week, I was reminded of one of the big changes motherhood has brought to my life...that is in the area of friendships.
I will start by saying that even before I had Hailey, I did not have scores of friends. I am outgoing and friendly, but I do not 'collect' friendships. I would put it in the area of around 5 really close friends and another handful that I see (at varying degrees) when I get the chance. However, the favored five have been with me for a very long time (the oldest going back at least 36 years)! When I make a friend, it sticks. They have been with me for nearly every part of my life, good and bad and I would not change a thing about any of them, good or bad - save for one thing.....
This past week, I was reminded of one of the big changes motherhood has brought to my life...that is in the area of friendships.
I will start by saying that even before I had Hailey, I did not have scores of friends. I am outgoing and friendly, but I do not 'collect' friendships. I would put it in the area of around 5 really close friends and another handful that I see (at varying degrees) when I get the chance. However, the favored five have been with me for a very long time (the oldest going back at least 36 years)! When I make a friend, it sticks. They have been with me for nearly every part of my life, good and bad and I would not change a thing about any of them, good or bad - save for one thing.....Of these 5 really close friends....
ONE is married.
ONE is married.
Now for those other 4 really close friends of mine who are reading this right now with their eyebrows raised and teeth clenched...this is not any type of judgement...read on and try to relax your jaws.
If you happened to be the first in your group of friends that got married, you understand where I am coming from...when you get married, life changes - a little.
You can still go out - maybe you need to ask.
You can still stay out - maybe you need to call.
Life is even easier if your significant gets along with your friends (I was fortunate in that regard). You have essentially only added another friend onto the pile. You still do what you want, you just start taking another person's feelings into consideration. O.k. maybe you stop trolling for guys - but you can troll for guys for your friends and that is actually more fun.
When you become a parent, everything is turned upside down.
When you become a parent, everything is turned upside down.
Let's revisit the numbers again...5 friends - 1 married - 1 with children. That means I have one close friend who footsteps I can try to follow so that I don't end up hip deep in the snowbank of parental mishaps. One friend who can give an understanding nod when I get frustrated that Hailey continually smacks your face when you hold her and poops like she has a jet pack in her diaper. Granted, the children of 'the one' are quite a bit older than my daughter, but at least I rate a nostalgia factor.
When it comes to friendships, I feel very...alone. They warn you of this exact thing in Lamaze class. 'Set up a support system' they tell you. Who is going to want to be your support system when all you can talk about is bowel movements and car seats? I try not to talk about her too much with my friends, but when they ask, "What's going on with you?" you can either tell them about the latest tantrum or try to hide the slobber stain on your shirt and say "Not much".
I should add here that all of my five are wonderful with Hailey and love her to death - even those couple that don't really like kids.
But I have moments of pretty intense loneliness, and jealousy. They are off doing cool things for themselves, going on vacations, indulging themselves in hobbies and seeing other countries. I'm picking up pacifiers that are constantly being thrown and bartering babysitting time so we can go to a three hour movie. A few have made some amazing changes and decisions in their lives lately. Normally I would be on the front lines offering advice and cheering them on, but I often don't hear about it until it is an afterthought.
I knew that there was going to be a certain amount of isolation - particularly when you are an older mom like me. The few moms I have met...I don't have much in common with. Most of them need a little growing up themselves.
I know that things change, but the really important things in life shouldn't have to. Shouldn't I be able to be a good mom AND a good friend? If I have my cake, I should be able to eat it too...otherwise, what's the point of having cake in the first place?
