Is she gonna...? BAM! She did!

Happy Holidays everybody! Hailey will turn 4 months old on Christmas Eve! Its hard to believe it has been four months already! Although... I was just looking at her hospital pictures and I can't believe how much she has changed! She's gone from a wrinkly, puffy- eyed, little newborn to an adorable, smiley, drooly little girl.

She had another doctor's appointment yesterday and she is doing great! There was a bit of concern at first that she wasn't growing enough....until they re-measured her height. Apparently between the first and second measurement, she gained an inch in a half (she is 24.5 inches now)! Talk about a growth spurt!

Our nurse practitioner (who looked and sounded so much like our good friend Louise it was startling) was asking us about Hailey's development - particularly about 'baby push-ups' and rolling over. Well...Hailey hates being on her stomach. Our darling daughter is not a fan of tummy time - we do it, she just hates it. When we try it, push-ups seem to consist of her arching her back then bonking her head on the blanket (it's soft - I swear!).

Yesterday, at the doctor's visit, Louise.2 showed us how to prop her arms underneath her so she can help support herself and - voila - tummy time with no crying!

As soon as the nurse left the room, we tried it ourselves. Nathan propped her arms underneath her and let go. She lifted herself up into the perfect baby push-up (it helped that there was a mirror in front of her - she loves to look at herself). A minute later she was balancing on her side when all of a sudden she swung her leg over and BAM! She rolled over for the first time! We were so excited that we called the Louise clone and the nurse back into the room to share our news.

Then, of course, to celebrate... poor Hailey received 4 immunization shots in the legs and two Daffy Duck Band-aids.

She may just decide that rolling over is not worth it.

This is her first real 'She did it!' milestone (smiling and cooing come on so gradually that they don't have the same excitement factor). The wonderful part is, that she wasn't in daycare when she did it... she was with us and we were both there watching! I got to see a milestone first-hand and not hear about it from someone else (a big 'working mom' fear for me)!

Even better was the look on Nathan's face when she did it... complete excitement, astonishment and joy - the pure essence of a new dad.

Who says 4 months old is too young to give out her own Christmas gifts?

Obviously, our 2006 has given us a great deal to be thankful for. Prior to getting pregnant, we had been trying for 4 years with no luck. I was beginning to doubt that I even had the ability anymore. Life is miraculous, and surprising - so look forward to every minute. I know I can't wait to see what 2007 has in store for us!

Have a safe and Happy Holiday!

Enjoying the Season

Let me just say that I love Christmas, I really do. I love the Christmas lights on the neighborhood houses, the smell of pine in my living room, paper and bows...even the nip of cold air in the morning (I get over the cold air thing by January 2nd).

However, the past couple of years, my holiday spirit has dwindled. When we got our puppy, Harley, we didn't put up a tree because we didn't know how he would respond to it - a tad rambunctious that dog. Last year, I conveniently used the same reasoning - plus I was tired from being pregnant (bonus excuse!). And, although we got the remarkable chance to inform our family of the pregnancy on Christmas morning, the season came and went without me really feeling the holiday spirit.

The Christmases of the past few years have been...blank. A sigh of relief when the shopping and wrapping was finished was the best I could muster. As a result, I have felt a little cheated, a little jaded, a little....empty.

This year however, I have the urge to make everything perfect for Hailey's first Christmas. We bought a tree at a local farm (which cost way, way too much money for living in a place surrounded by pine forests) and decorated it this weekend. Granted...it took twice as long to decorate while trying to tend to a baby, but I think that makes me appreciate it twice as much.

Things feel different this year. I am awake to Christmas in a way I haven't been in a long time. I want to bake cookies, make snowmen, send cards and shop until I find everyone on my list that one special gift.

For years, Christmas has been a time for me to look back on traditions, the past and how things used to be during this season - how I excited I used to get, how anxious for the day. Now, with Hailey still too young to understand, Christmas is full of possibilities again, full of gifts and events that will someday be treasured memories.

Last night while Hubby was feeding Hailey, I got to watch them by the soft glow of our hastily decorated tree. Before my parents caved in to the pressure of an artificial tree, it was a tradition in my household that my mother would proclaim 'This year's tree to be one of the prettiest we have ever had!' Last night, I thought the same thing - 'This is the prettiest tree we have ever had.' I think the best decorations are not what is on the tree, but who is around it.

I hope everyone has a safe, happy and revitalized Holiday!

p.s. - Harley only ate one branch off the tree (so far)!

Picture This...

I promise that there are other aspects of my life worthy of writing about besides Hailey, but for right now, let me speak of attempting to photograph the very young.

Personally, I don't seem to have a problem taking pictures of her - thank God for digital cameras! I take about 30 pictures to get that one really excellent image. I keep all 30 - but only print the one or two good ones. Someday, when she is older, she'll be able to look through a scrapbook of really great pictures of herself. When she brings home her first serious boyfriend, we will be able to show him that slide show disk of literally hundreds more of the most embarassing photos ever captured on.....uh......well whatever digital images are captured on.

Back in the days of old, I used to get so disappointed when that eagerly anticipated roll of film was developed and all I got were grainy dark blobs (for $9 a roll). Now, pictures that are: out of focus - you can sharpen....too dark - lighten them up or just hit 'Delete' altogether. Even better...I can crop out the messy kitchen in her first bath photos.

We have taken her in to get her pictures taken professionally twice. Once at 1 month old to get some family portraits and just last week to get her first photo Christmas card (I have always wanted the iconic photo Christmas card ). The first photo session was wonderful - great photographer everything went well. Or... maybe since she was only a month we didn't expect much from her. This last time, we expected cover model material - o.k.... I expected cover model material....after all this is THE photocard!!!

Beautiful new red dress....check

Big Smile....check

Sitting up....not so much

She's only 3 months old, and while I didn't expect her to sit up on her own, she can sit up if you prop her up. Apparently, that is only at home on the couch. We propped her up at the studio and she arched her back and slid back down. They took a picture of her on her back looking at the ceiling - come on people...that would look silly on my Christmas card. I tried propping her up from behind the screen - she slid right out of my hands. It didn't help that the dress I bought for her (0-3 months) was way to big - even though she is on the high side of that size.

Us: Prop her up.... pull the wrinkles from her dress...smile at our accomplishment

Hailey: slide...re-wrinkle the dress...smile at her accomplishment

The photographer was ready to pack it in when hubby suggested draping a blanket over his arm so her could cradle her. BINGO! We got great smiles! Christmas was saved - at least the part of Christmas that you mail was saved.

For those of you who are getting Christmas card from me - if it looks like she is sitting in a chair, I suppose she is. My little christmas princess is sitting on the 'Throne of Daddy'

MOOooooooo

Alrighty....Thanksgiving is over and the holidays are officially in full swing. I don't buy into the retail start date of kicking off the holiday season immediately after Halloween (let us at least take a deep breath before you start putting out stocking stuffers).

Hailey's first Thanksgiving was a success...she overate just like everyone else and had 3 bottles at my parents house! This of course put me behind in the bottle department.

While she tends to prefer her milk in a bottle, it is still all from me. I never thought that breastfeeding would be so stressful. While you are pregnant (at least for me) the thought of breastfeeding freaked me out. I couldn't imagine what it was like... I read about it, I took breastfeeding classes, I tried to do everything I could to prepare myself. Even then, there were a ton of unanswered questions - things that you can't know until you are at that point....Would it hurt?....Was I even going to be able to do it?

Yes. On both counts.

At least it hurt at first... now not so much anymore, and now I know I can do it.

But since I have gone back to work, my concerns have changed. How can I get enough pumped? I feel like I wear that stupid machine on a chain around my neck... like my own personal albatross (if you didn't get that, read the Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Coleridge). Hailey is getting bigger and she needs more at each feeding than she did before. I have been eating better, exercising and drinking about 10 glasses of water a day, but I still can't get caught up. I haven't been able to freeze any in weeks!

Of all the things I worried about when it came to breastfeeding, it never occurred to me to worry about the amount. I never realized that I was going to be this child's sole source of food - and not just for a little while but for months! From what I have read, kids start solids around 5-6 months....Hailey is only 3! Holy Cow! Literally!

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike breastfeeding. I still enjoy the bonding time - even though we only get to actually do that in the morning (the rest is via bottle). I will just be very happy when a little pressure is taken off me. I have to admit, that we got so far behind that we have given her a couple bottles of formula *boo hiss*.

Why is 'formula' such a dirty word? Even just typing it, I felt ashamed. My mother completely raised us on formula because (and I quote) "that is what you did back then". Yes... breast milk is best for your baby. I understand that...I got it. Mothers are really made to feel guilty if they don't breastfeed. I am breastfeeding and I feel guilty....she's only had it twice! I have to remind myself that - she needs to eat. What is more important... that she gets fed exclusively breastmilk or that she has enough to eat everyday? Its obvious when you think about it that way, but there is still a sense of failure if I can't produce 24 oz. of milk a day.

*Sigh* but stressing out doesn't help you produce more. I will sit here, hooked to my machine, drinking water and thinking positive thoughts.....

I hope her first sentence is... "Please pass the cranberries Mom."

Cute - by the Numbers

Call me a terrible mother, but I can never remember how old my daughter is when you have to count it in weeks. If I don't write it on the calendar, there is no way I will remember.

However, I can tell you:

• she is in between 0-3 month and 3-6 month clothing
• I have yet to find a hat that is the correct size
• that, just like her mother, she cannot keep socks on her feet
• her toes are still big, her hands still small
• drooling is her new favorite activity
  
  A good friend sent me a link to Lilypie for a cute way of tracking her age:

Now if only this thing came with a 'Pause' button!

Pre-Blog Entry

When I was home on maternity leave with Hailey, I started keeping a written journal of things I didn't want to forget about.

Here is an excerpt from an entry I made on September 17th. If you have been around babies, hopefully this sparks a good memory or two.

Things I like about Hailey at 3 weeks old...

• Having her fall asleep on my chest.
• 'Torpedo Poops' (sudden, loud, intense bowel movements that don't smell).
• The faces she makes after a 'Torpedo Poop' (complete shock)
• Her wild, uncontrolable arm movements that hubby and I call "Throwing Gang Signs"
• Her toes - particularly her enormously fat, big toes (sometimes I call her "Big Fat Toe Girl"
• How much she sleeps (just not when she sleeps)
• Hubby likes it when she falls into a deep sleep and 'melts' into your arm.
• I love it when she wakes up because she stretches and yawns like a little adult.

My all time most hated things about the newborn stage....
Spit-ups that come out of her nose. We only had a couple of those, but that was more than enough!! She is a baby, not a lawn fountain - oh my god, those were horrible!!

I know this stage is going to go by so quickly...I can't believe I am already back at work and the holidays are right around the corner! In the blink of an eye, suddenly she is going to be a year old.

"She was the tiniest thing I ever decided to put my whole life into".

A Red Letter Day (or Night)

Now that we have a full work week under our belts, let's assess the morning routine situation.

On top of my old morning routine, I now have to: feed the baby, exercise, get the baby ready, get the baby's stuff ready, make my lunch (that didn't always happen in the past) and get out the door 15 minutes earlier than I used to. Keep in mind here...I am NOT a morning person. At best I am a mid-evening person (or sometimes a 1:00 pm - 4:00 pm person) but never, ever a morning person!

Monday - was woken up at 4:00
This was WAY too early. Did everything I needed to and then some, still had time to go back to sleep.

Tuesday - was woken up at 6:30
Got a little extra sleep here, but had to sacrifice exercise. For someone who is trying to capitalize on the extra calories burned from breatfeeding, this was not ideal.

Wednesday - was woken up at 6:00
This was perfect, the morning went off like clockwork - I even left 5 minutes early so I could play with her at daycare for a while.

Thursday - woke up at 7:15
Horrible, horrible! I think subconsciously I knew Hailey would be staying with her daddy today, so I didn't rush. I woke up when I would normally be taking her to daycare.

Friday - woke up at 6:00
Another stellar, beautiful morning!! If all mornings went like this, who knows...I may someday become that which I despise...a morning person!

Something about the above descriptions my have slipped by your notice, so allow me to highlight it....
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - 'WAS woken up'
Thursday, Friday - 'WOKE up'

She had two nights - in a row - of sleeping through the night! Of all the childhood milestones - this has got to be the sweetest chip in the cookie!

I found this Baby Blues comic that says it all......

The Other White Meat

Here it is, my daughter's first holiday - and one of my favorites as well...Halloween!! I love Halloween, dressing up, getting scared then eating candy - it doesn't get much better than that.

For Hailey's first Halloween
is she a princess?....no.
Is she a witch?....no.
A butterfly?...no.
She's a CHICKEN!

I love it! Some people said she will look on this later in life and scold us for having dressed her as a chicken. Well...whatever. I figure there will only be a few years when I get to decide what she is going to be, so I am going to take advantage of that. I will probably have years and years of princesses and ballerinas.

Besides, my brother has cornered the market on 'First Costume Bitterness'. Apparently, my parents just threw a pillowcase over him and he was a ghost for his first Halloween. The thing that gets him really mad about it is that they didn't even make eye holes for him. In my parent's defense, he was only in it for a few seconds, but that information makes the story less funny, so we leave that part out. I tried to tell him that he should be grateful it wasn't a plastic bag, but that doesn't seem to soothe him.

I asked mom what I was for my first Halloween and she couldn't remember. All I got was, "Something pink and furry". A bunny perhaps, or a pig with excessive body hair. I know that for most of my years, all I wanted to be was a black cat. We recycled the same cat costume for every Halloween. That embarrasses me now, I hope Hailey has more imagination than I did (or is at least a little less stubborn).

Years from now she may roll her eyes when she sees the pictures of her in her chicken costume, that's o.k. I'll just remind her that not everyone can pull off a poultry uniform the way she did back in 'O6. She was the cutest little chicken I have ever seen and she is certainly the best 'treat' I have ever received!

The Price of Love

I've been thinking about this since last night...about the risks you take when you love someone too much. I was reminded last night that the 'someone' doesn't always have to be a person.

One of my best friends had to give her beloved dog away yesterday. I won't get into details - let's just say there was an incident that made her have to choose between putting him down or finding a new home for him. To her credit, she made the decision to find him a home when many people around her were pressing her to take him to the vet's. There was a tremendous amount of pressure and stress - and her life was not happy as a result.

I thought about that today after I dropped Hailey off at the sitter's house. Again I drove to work crying. I thought about how the price of love forces us to make hard decisions in our life. I had to give up my days with Hailey so that I can go to work and provide for her. Palee had to give up her dog in order to save his life.

Both were hard decisions.
Both were the right decisions.
Both hurt like hell.

However, I realized something else today...

My daycare provider is close enough to where I work that I can go to see her at lunch time (if I am able). Today, I did just that - went to see Hailey at lunch. You know what...? She was fine. She was better than fine, bouncing in her bouncy chair, smiling, having a good time. I held her hand until she fell asleep and went back to work. She is o.k. - I'm the one that is a mess. Driving back to work, I really felt like Hailey's mom. I became her mother the day she was born - but I have made a sacrifice for her (of more than just sleep) so I finally feel like a mom.

Decisions like the ones Palee and I have made this week are a lot harder on us than on our children or pets. The price of love is that sometimes you do all the hurting - so that the ones you love the most don't have to hurt at all. My baby is at daycare and Palee's baby is with a new family. Our decisions were tough, but they are going to keep roofs over both of their heads.

They are going to be fine, both of them.
Eventually, Palee and I will be fine too.

My New Life

O.k. I'll admit it has been a while since I posted.

I had a baby.

Not just any baby, I had Hailey.

9 weeks ago.

Today marks the day when I returned to work. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, I came back to work full time from the get-go...why? Simple.

I had to.

Life is just too darn expensive. Plus, I always thought I would be one of those women who wanted to go back to work, needed to work to keep that part of my identity - to feel like a complete person. While part of that is still true, I found it is not to the extent that I originally believed. What I do for a living is a big part of my life, and I am proud it. I love my job, but I don't live my job. I never 'bring the job home with me'...so home and work have always been separate aspects of my life. I thought it would be the same when I had a family.

It's not the same, and never will be. I might not bring my job home with me... but from now on, the desire to be home comes to work with me. Today was one of the hardest days I have ever had. I cried all the way to work - driving in the dark, in the rain.

She is going to daycare, to someone I trust... but I can't just go pick her up whenever I want to hold her. For the first time since she was born, I realized that I can't hear her. At home, even when I was in another room, I was always listening. Consciously, unconsciously...it didn't matter, she was there, I knew it, I could hear her sleeping, screaming, cooing, breathing. Now, when I am at work, the silence is making me crazy.

I finally understand. The guilt that working mothers feel is overwhelming. The mere thought that she may need her mother and I am not there makes my throat tighten and my eyes immediately tear. You feel like someone else is raising your child. You are giving your 'exclusive rights of a mother' to another person. That there is a chance that they will experience all those ' childhood firsts' that you may only get as sloppy seconds.

All day today, I kept thinking how my days with Hailey were over.

I should know better.

I should know that they are just beginning.

I love my job, and I honestly...I wouldn't want to leave it - but I envy moms who can stay home. If I want to do what is best for Hailey, I know I need to help provide for her. Am I doing what is best for her if I go back to work? I'm not sure... but it's best for us and I guess that has to count for something.

Pregnancy Makes me Lazy - among other things

Ok...I haven't updated my blog in a long, long time. That is because, I believe - pregnancy makes you lazy. Don't get me wrong - I'm not being lazy about the big stuff - preparing work for my departure, getting the nursery ready, attending showers and eating enough Boonzaayer cakes to make a polar bear tap dance with a sugar buzz. I'm lazy about the smaller stuff...cleaning the fridge, updating my address book and posting blog messages.
My first trimester when I should have been doubled over sick and using every once of strength to elicit pity from the hubby...I felt great - I even lost weight because I just wasn't hungry. My second trimester when thing are getting more real and I am starting to show, my appetite is back and I have never felt better - not the best time to work on the pity angle. Now that I am huge as a house, ready to pop in the third trimester - I don't think that any attempt for pity will work - I have had it too good up until this point. Besides I think he secretly enjoys the grunts I make when I get out of a comfy chair.

Actually - my better half has been great about our pregnancy. It has been fun to watch him move from careful, subdued enthusiam (we tried for a long time with no success) to excitement and involvement (he volunteered to wear the 'empathy belly' at Lamaze class).

While I know that part of me is going to miss being pregnant, watching him interact with his child is going to more than make up for it.

State Finals

An open letter to the

2006 PN Winter Guard

at the end of the season

____________________________________

PNHS Winter Guard 2006 -
This has been a very unique and special year for me and I wanted to make sure that I thanked all of you for everything you have done. You have all helped me stay happy, healthy and comfortable during the most important months of my pregnancy.

To the Parent Volunteers - Thank you so much for all your encouragement, support and concern through the season. Your stories and memories from your pregnancy experiences have really put me at ease. Watching the ways in which you all interact with your own children has been a tremendous example for me - I hope to do as well with my kid as you have with yours.

To the Prop Crew - I cannot thank you enough for helping me through this season. Not only did you do all the heavy lifting and loading so that I did not have to move a finger, you also greatly reduced my stress levels with your fantastic behavior and hard work. Regardless of if you have been with me for 3 years or 1 show - I never have to worry about my prop crew - you guys get it done without me even having to ask.

To the Performers - First of all, I want you to know how amazingly proud I am to be an alumnus of the PNHS Winter Guard program. This year, you helped me reach a goal that I had long forgotten about…getting to WGI - and I want to thank you for that. A lot of people have teased me about the trials of raising teenagers, but I can honestly look them in the eye and say…"Bring it". Working with this group is a constant reminder to me of why I want to have kids of my own. I see qualities and aspects in every single one of you that I hope to see in my own child someday.

To Robert, Janice, Deyonna and Chrissy

- I am so grateful for all your understanding and amazing support - particularly during this year of life changing events for all of us. Before I got involved with this staff, it had been a long time since I had been with a group of people that could cheer me up so quickly and make me laugh so hard. No matter how I felt this year, physically or emotionally, I could always look forward to having a fun weekend with my friends. One of my greatest wishes for my child is that when they become involved in their activity of choice, they have coaches and instructors that care about them as much as you care about all of these kids.

Looking at the pictures, I realize now that… I took and collected so many because I didn’t want to forget a thing. When I think back on my pregnancy, I will always remember this guard, this season and all of you. Thanks for being a part of this really special time in my life.

-M

The Love of Dog

So...I was down with the flu for the entire time last week.

The flu...sucks.
Daytime TV...sucks.
Getting behind at work....sucks.
Missing 2 winter guard rehearsals and 1 performance...sucks.

The only thing that didn't suck about last week, cuddling with my dog.

I have spent my whole life being a cat person. I love the independence of a cat as well as the personalities and selective affection. I always liked dogs as well, other people's dogs - dogs from a distance - dogs that didn't fill my backyard with poop, those were my favorite dogs.

However, being a person of some adventure and self abuse, I relented to my husband's wish to get a dog two years ago - and I have never been happier. Our dog Harley, is the most entertaining, irritating and lovably goofy personality I have ever met. He curled up on the couch with me, the baby and the flu all week long and only pushed me into the coffee table on one occasion. Good Boy Harley...Good Boy!

Back in the saddle

OK...Dayton was a long weekend - made longer by the fact that on the way back home, I got the flu.

I got the flu and I kept it...all week - not all to myself though, I shared it with my husband.

The really irritating part of getting the flu was not the sickness, cough or fever - it was that I couldn't take anything for it because I am 17 weeks pregnant.

Yep, preggers. I got more sick last week than I did my whole 1st trimester. But now I am back in the saddle, back at work with only a little cough remaining.

Alpha Post

Ahh...the first post. I suppose this is where I tell you a bit about myself and what makes up my world. Well, guess what...

I'm a little busy right now.

I am leaving for Dayton Ohio (yes, you heard me correctly...Dayton) this afternoon with about 26 nervous, hyper, high school kids - and I have to mentally prepare myself. I am a staff member for a high school winter guard (not my real job...I'm crazy enough to do this for fun!). For those of you that don't know what that is - you can click on the WGI or MCGC links to the left - or - you can read my quickie explanation.


Winter Guard is (very basically) taking the color guard (flags, rifles, sabres) that performs with the marching band during football games, giving them their own identity and letting them competitively perform indoors, during the winter season to pre-recorded music.For those who think this is fluff - try it...hell...watch it - even once - and your minds will be changed.

We are taking our high school group to their first ever WGI Regional competition - in Dayton....and I have to mentally prepare. Its going to be a long weekend.