Finding my Voice

I believe in writing, I believe in the importance of my emotions, I believe that what I have to say has value - at least to someone.

This blog...

this blog has always been more than just a place for me to come to record the events that happen to me and my family. It is the method I use to lay down a history of my feelings, a way for me to work through the emotion and come to some kind of inner harmony. Often, my posts are purely for fun...written to express my happiness and sense of humor. But sometimes, they deal with other emotions that are not so funny. Most of the time, I figure out a way to capture those feelings - whatever they may be - into words that are easier to deal with.

It has been several months since I have been able to find that voice.

My family and I have gone through a lot of changes in the past several months - no tragedies have occurred, our foundation has not crumbled. Others in the world are hit harder, hurt more and truly suffer loss.

But we have been tested....individually, as a couple and as a family. Career changes are very difficult, when they are unplanned and brought on by an intense amount of stress they can be almost unbearable. The current economic climate certainly does not help any one's job situation. I have had a lot of ups and downs in my life (mostly ups... thankfully) but I have never had a more difficult time then the past several months. Watching one of the 2 most important people in my life go through such tremendous upheaval is...well...numbing.

When painful events happen to you personally, then you have control, you have power over your reaction. The ship... and the decisions you make on it are yours. But when it is a loved one, you become just a passenger along for the ride. Maybe you have input (to a point)... but you are not the one steering. You can only offer so much advice, before you feel like that record is skipping to the same words. You can only try to ease frayed nerves and emotions for so long before you wonder... who exactly it is that you are trying to comfort? The only things you can offer in a limitless way, is your ability to listen and your willingness to stay no matter where the ship is going.

For the first time in my life, I lost my words, I lost my voice. I couldn't write, I didn't know what to talk about anymore, to anyone...about anything. The only things that seemed important to say were - "I believe in you" and "I love you".

Life is different now and still changing. This summer will probably see even more challenges. But now I am finding my power again, my voice is back. There will be fun posts again...because there is more to share then just stress and depression. Hailey has grown so much and experienced so many great new things.

"I promise you not a moment will be lost as long as I have heart &
voice to speak & we will walk again together with a thousand others & a
thousand more & on & on until there is no one among us who does not know
the truth: there is no future without love." ~ Brain Andres