If you know me personally, I think you would agree that… I’m a pretty upbeat type of person. I would say that 90% of the time, I am a happy camper – willing to do just about anyone a favor at work or in my personal life. Get to know me a little better… and you may start to notice the things that irritate or upset me. I may confide my worries and fears, but those are fairly short lived. I empathize with others and I openly feel my emotions, but almost always my glass is half full. I like my life like that.
Life is too short to be anything less than happy. Really.
But this year…this year has been a rough one…from the very beginning it just seems like one thing after another. 2010 had barely hit the snooze button on the New Year’s Eve alarm clock when I lost my grandmother… my last remaining grandparent. That was hard, but even then there was some silver lining under the surface. Her life was long and full, her passing was short yet loving…and… some old walls came tumbling down - walls that had been in place for as long as I can remember.
If that had been the only thing the year dropped, it would have been enough. However, it didn't just end there. I have been to more funerals this year, then in the first 25 years of my life. Stan, Mark, Mr. Prine...each one of them affected me in a different way, each one made me question some part of myself and how I am perceived by others. This year, many people I care about also lost friends and relatives. 2010 was relentless, unwavering and indiscriminate about whom it touched.
Even midway through the summer, the uncertainty about our jobs and the economy didn't help to ease the tension. When you hate your job, it’s easy to say that the money isn't worth it…until you think about what that bottom line really means. Is the grass really greener on the other side…or is it just…more grass? The job stress still lingers, with no immediate solution in sight. 2010 took the wheel, and it felt like I lost control, that all I could do was react.
But now I’m just whining. I've done that lot this year. So many people have things far worse than I do. I know that, I do.
Besides, this past year has had high points as well as its low points. Of course, Hailey is always a joy and a gift. Regardless of what I felt on the inside, she never ceased to be the brightest light on a dark day. Having her around makes anything that life decides to throw at me… feel like a Nerf ball. I hope she someday understands that type of power with a child of her own.
Specific happiness has come from a variety of places:
My sister-in-law Angie decided to move back home after years of living down south. The time spent with her in just a few short months has changed us for the better. She is a magnet that keeps so many people together, I’m glad Hailey will have a chance to really get to know her aunt.
Our good friends Seth and Jamie were finally blessed with a pregnancy and a beautiful baby girl. Knowing first-hand about the struggle for pregnancy, I am overjoyed for them. Some people are meant to be parents and I can’t think of two people who deserve that honor more.
I have a couple of friends who are close to my heart... finally find the right people (not each other) to share their own hearts with. Robert and Palee have waited so long for these feelings that the sparkle in their eyes is… almost amusing. It is fun to watch their excitement build, they are an important reminder to me… that sometimes love does win.
I wish love always won.
Death isn't the only way in which I have lost the people who are the most important to me this year. My inner circle has been altered, and that has been the hardest hit. It has always been a curious phenomenon to me... when bad things happen...how a heart that seems so empty, can feel like it weighs so...so much. It may take a while to remember that the good feelings that I have, will always be there, no matter what. Eventually, I'll feel them again. No...things won't be the same...but great memories remain. Relationships can change, but love doesn't....it can't.
Even though I am ending this year on a downbeat…I can’t help but look around and notice how beautiful the world really is. It is December and the lake outside my window has gone to sleep for the winter. The landscape is cold and quiet, but incredible... even the ugly parts are a miracle.
Even the ugly parts.
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