Ok...deep breath. Visits have been made, questions asked, numbers crunched...a decision has been reached and...we are putting in a deposit for Hailey's pre-school tomorrow.
There. I said it...and it's like a big monkey just fell right off my back.
I have been in denial all summer. Didn't want to think about it, didn't want to deal with school... I wove this beautiful blanket of procrastination and I covered my head with it. However, it is now August, and I have to be a grown-up and take care of things that are more important than my own anxieties. Spending yesterday at different pre-schools really helped to wrap my brain about the idea of sending Hailey off to school. She is ready for it, she is going to love it. But, I'm not ready for it... my heart is not ready for it, and I don't know how to make that part o.k. yet.
When the subject of school was first mentioned, I immediately envisioned what television has told me will happen.....sending my four-year-old off on a school bus to fend for herself at a nameless mystery school with faceless people I don't know. I had an mini (albeit fierce), internal anxiety attack. My heart literally ached and it felt like someone placed an anvil on my chest. I said, "She's too little"... banished the thought from my mind and refused to think about it at all...until last week.
Obviously, that isn't what is going to happen. Her pre-school is fun, bright and cheerful with really nice people - who, I noticed yesterday, all have faces. No evil buses so I won't be standing on the curb waving and blowing my nose in a Kleenex.
Hailey will have no problem with the transition. Will she miss seeing Jamie everyday - the only daycare provider/second mother she has ever known...? Absolutely she will. But kids just naturally have that something that most adults struggle with their whole lives....flexibility. She will bounce right into this transition and treat it like a 'changing of the guard'.
I don't have the same flexibility as a 4 year old....[insert your own joke here].
Jamie is my friend and I realize that I have a comfort level with her that I know I will never have again. If I find I am missing Hailey while I am at work, I call Jamie and she tells me how my daughter is facing her day. If I wanted to, I know I could drop in for a visit. Something tells me that if I try that with school...I'll get talked about in staff meetings.
When I gave Hailey to Jamie for daycare, of course, I was upset at first. I felt like I was giving my daughter to someone else to raise. But from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew it had to happen...I had to work. To be honest, when it was time, a small part of me was ready to go back to work. It felt like it was time to move forward and start our life as a family. One day I was with her, the next day she was at daycare...that was it. Nothing about Hailey actually changed, same baby, same cuteness, same smelly diapers.
This is pre-school and it isn't a shock either, I always knew school was inevitable as well. However, this feels like the very beginning of a long tunnel that ends in adulthood. This change is all about Hailey...how much she has changed and how much she will change. She is going to experience so much. It will be nice to watch her grow and learn....nice...forget that... it's going to be amazing! I am truly excited to see it happen. Everyday will be new things to talk about and new stories to tell. Every year is going to be different teachers and more friends.
But I'm also going to be sad, such a big part of me doesn't want her to grow up. I love this age. Will I be proud the day she brings home the first paper that she writes her own name on...? Yes - knowing me, I'll probably frame it. But at the same time, I'm going to miss my goofy kid. I'm going to miss asking her "What comes after the number 4?" and getting "Karate?" as a reply.
So I'm going to send her off to pre-school...with new clothes, crayons, paper and whatever school supplies the television has told me she can't live without. But I'm also going to put something else in her backpack.... a little hope...a little prayer...
"Dear Hailey- have a good day at school today. Behave, have fun and learn lots of cool stuff to tell me about at home. Promise me one thing... please, my sweet baby girl...always be your amazing self, never... ever lose the silly. -I Love you...Mom"
There. I said it...and it's like a big monkey just fell right off my back.
I have been in denial all summer. Didn't want to think about it, didn't want to deal with school... I wove this beautiful blanket of procrastination and I covered my head with it. However, it is now August, and I have to be a grown-up and take care of things that are more important than my own anxieties. Spending yesterday at different pre-schools really helped to wrap my brain about the idea of sending Hailey off to school. She is ready for it, she is going to love it. But, I'm not ready for it... my heart is not ready for it, and I don't know how to make that part o.k. yet.
When the subject of school was first mentioned, I immediately envisioned what television has told me will happen.....sending my four-year-old off on a school bus to fend for herself at a nameless mystery school with faceless people I don't know. I had an mini (albeit fierce), internal anxiety attack. My heart literally ached and it felt like someone placed an anvil on my chest. I said, "She's too little"... banished the thought from my mind and refused to think about it at all...until last week.
Obviously, that isn't what is going to happen. Her pre-school is fun, bright and cheerful with really nice people - who, I noticed yesterday, all have faces. No evil buses so I won't be standing on the curb waving and blowing my nose in a Kleenex.Hailey will have no problem with the transition. Will she miss seeing Jamie everyday - the only daycare provider/second mother she has ever known...? Absolutely she will. But kids just naturally have that something that most adults struggle with their whole lives....flexibility. She will bounce right into this transition and treat it like a 'changing of the guard'.
I don't have the same flexibility as a 4 year old....[insert your own joke here].
Jamie is my friend and I realize that I have a comfort level with her that I know I will never have again. If I find I am missing Hailey while I am at work, I call Jamie and she tells me how my daughter is facing her day. If I wanted to, I know I could drop in for a visit. Something tells me that if I try that with school...I'll get talked about in staff meetings.
When I gave Hailey to Jamie for daycare, of course, I was upset at first. I felt like I was giving my daughter to someone else to raise. But from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew it had to happen...I had to work. To be honest, when it was time, a small part of me was ready to go back to work. It felt like it was time to move forward and start our life as a family. One day I was with her, the next day she was at daycare...that was it. Nothing about Hailey actually changed, same baby, same cuteness, same smelly diapers.
This is pre-school and it isn't a shock either, I always knew school was inevitable as well. However, this feels like the very beginning of a long tunnel that ends in adulthood. This change is all about Hailey...how much she has changed and how much she will change. She is going to experience so much. It will be nice to watch her grow and learn....nice...forget that... it's going to be amazing! I am truly excited to see it happen. Everyday will be new things to talk about and new stories to tell. Every year is going to be different teachers and more friends.
But I'm also going to be sad, such a big part of me doesn't want her to grow up. I love this age. Will I be proud the day she brings home the first paper that she writes her own name on...? Yes - knowing me, I'll probably frame it. But at the same time, I'm going to miss my goofy kid. I'm going to miss asking her "What comes after the number 4?" and getting "Karate?" as a reply.
So I'm going to send her off to pre-school...with new clothes, crayons, paper and whatever school supplies the television has told me she can't live without. But I'm also going to put something else in her backpack.... a little hope...a little prayer...
"Dear Hailey- have a good day at school today. Behave, have fun and learn lots of cool stuff to tell me about at home. Promise me one thing... please, my sweet baby girl...always be your amazing self, never... ever lose the silly. -I Love you...Mom"
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