The Flip Side

Things have been going along really nicely lately...days are a little predictable, but that isn't always a bad thing. Some exciting things are happening in my extended world...just enough to keep life interesting, but not anything that demands a time commitment (unless I want it). It is always times like this when things are comfortable, that my mind wanders into less idyllic realizations...

it's still really hard to be a working mom.

Hang on, hang on...it is better than it used to be. A lot of time has passed since those first days apart, and I am much better about being a working mom... 90% of the time. I no longer cry as I drive into work - that has to get me some bonus points! Besides, Hailey has an independent streak that (to be honest) sometimes I am glad to have a break from.

But on a day like today, a Friday...nice weather, general good mood - Hailey gets to go to the zoo for the first time. I have to work. I had a meeting in the afternoon and work to catch up on. I just couldn't justify taking another day off...regardless of the weather. She is going with a group of adults...all of whom I trust, no problem there. My daycare lady really deserves to have this outing, she works very hard and is great with the kids. It will be nice for her, not only have someone to help, but also to have adults to talk to today. I really hope they have a great time!

But there is a flip side too...I'm missing it, and it makes me sad, really sad. Regardless of how much I hope they have fun... there is another part of me that didn't want it to happen at all. I wanted to go too, I wanted to take Hailey to the zoo. I should be there. As a working mom, I knew that I was risking experiencing a lot of firsts for myself, but that is the way it has to be - I've come to terms with that. This feels like something that I should be able to control, regardless how innocent it is.

I know this isn't about Hailey, it's about me. It's totally about what Momma wants. The fact that I understand that, is the reason why she is going to the zoo without me today (plus... Jamie is a friend and really does deserve it). Jealousy can be ugly, its not something I want people to believe about me. I didn't want people to see the selfish flip side - the Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekyll. As a result, I almost didn't blog about this at all.

But there it is - and denying it feels like some kind of lie. Apparently that feeling is also a part of motherhood. You can't be there for everything - events that should be in your control aren't always - your children will have experiences you don't share in, even when they are little. There are things you feel when you are a parent that don't seem to fit the mold of what you imagined. I expected some fear and worry, but not jealously, loneliness and certainly not selfishness. They will sneak up on you when every thing is going smoothly and the days are predictable...even on a beautiful Friday afternoon.

I wish every post I made could be a cute update or a funny story...but its not like that. If I didn't write about the flip side, I don't think this blog would be worth reading.