Two Too Early

Here is my first installment in my blog series:

Things They Don't Tell New Moms:

" The Terrible Twos start long before your child turns two."

Why...why...why...are there no billboards with this important information on them? I don't know why I thought that the terrible twos would begin the moment she finished her 2008 birthday cake, but I did. Hailey is 20 months old, we should have a little less than 4 months of 'One-hood' left before she turns to the dark side. But we don't, that beautiful illusion is shattered and I have to face it...my loving, sweet daughter is a pre-two (like a pre-teen with less angst and more hitting).

How long is this going to last? I'd say I don't know except there is this wonderful thing called the Internet - and now I can find out EXACTLY how long we have to endure the tantrum merry-go-round. I found this online: Terrible Two Countdown No kidding. Plug in your child's birthday and name and this is the result....

Hailey was born on August 24, 2006 and is 1 years and 9 months old. You have 471 days - 9 hours - 2 minutes - and 28 seconds until your child is out of the terrible twos phase.

Yes folks....down to the second. The terrible twos shouldn't last more than a year...it's just cosmically unfair. However, through careful observation, I have learned some things to get us through the next 471 days, 9 hours, 2 minutes and 28...27...26...seconds. I've learned to identify... Hailey's Tantrum Phases

The 'Look'

Scold her for something she just did and you may get to see 'The Look' - head down, chin to chest, deep breaths...not looking at you... until.... suddenly...without moving her head she rolls her eyes up to look at you. This is the warning shot before the battle begins.

The 'Whine'

'The Whine' occurs when Hailey is attempting something but she can not quite achieve her goal. It starts with small "Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh" noises. A really good place to experience this is at the gate between the living room and the kitchen. Let's say Hailey's goal is a glass of milk. She will try to get to the kitchen and if the gate is closed, she will attempt to wrench it out of position while exclaiming "Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh" If there is no milk in her hand at the end of that time, she will go directly to 'The Wail'

The 'Wail'

The Wail is set apart from the final three phases by one unique characteristic - no physical contact is made. The 'Wail' is just an ear-piercing expression of mad. It is loud...really, really loud. If the nearest adult attempts to ignore this stage, they will encounter the next (and possibly painful) stage...

The 'Strike'

The first stage of physical contact. She will rear her arm back and hit you wherever she can reach, leg, arm face...doesn't matter as long as it makes you realize that she is not only mad, but that she won't be ignored either. If you are lucky she will pause long enough for you to catch her arm. However, the truly treacherous aspect of 'The Strike' is that it can happen independent of all the other stages, totally out of the blue. Unlike bowling, the strike is not a good thing.

The 'Meltdown'

Full stage, no-holds-barred all out tantrum. This includes hitting, screaming, flailing, throwing herself on the floor, kicking. It is the result of an adult trying to physically make her do something she does not want to do (putting clothes on after being naked as an example). The meltdown happens most often around naps or bedtime.

The 'Sorry'

Fortunately for us, one of the things she does do well is say she's sorry and give you a hug. the amazing thing about this stage is that you really feel like she means it - at least for now. She's so cute with her lower lip stuck out when she says it, it almost makes those 471 days worth it

...almost.