Things I have learned

Things I have learned as a parent:

* A toddler's reach is always half an inch closer than you thought it was.

* No amount of hair gel or mousse works as well at holding hair in place as a handful of slimy pasta.

* If pressing a button on a toy results in a phrase that is longer than 3 seconds, you will never, ever hear the complete phrase.

* Toddlers understand everything you say to them, unless it starts with "No.."

* Any food can be spit onto the floor and dogs will eat anything regardless of how slimy it is.

* A diaper and/or onesie is the equivalent of a toddler purse.

* Bowel movements can defy gravity (sorry, I had to say it).

* If you don't want to be held, arch your back.

* Just because you love a food one day, doesn't mean you will tolerate it the next.

* If you can get a knee on it, it can be climbed on.

* No house has enough storage higher than three feet from the floor.

* It's fun to roll off the dog / jump off the chair / hide in the cupboard.

* It's not fun to get knocked over by the dog / fall off the chair / or get stuck in the cupboard.

* The dirtier the clothes, the more a toddler wants to wear them.

* The only things that are fun to bang on are whatever things your parents are trying to use.

* Most falls don't make you cry, unless someone is looking.

* You don't have to have a cold in oder to have an endless supply of snot running down your face.