My New Life

O.k. I'll admit it has been a while since I posted.

I had a baby.

Not just any baby, I had Hailey.

9 weeks ago.

Today marks the day when I returned to work. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, I came back to work full time from the get-go...why? Simple.

I had to.

Life is just too darn expensive. Plus, I always thought I would be one of those women who wanted to go back to work, needed to work to keep that part of my identity - to feel like a complete person. While part of that is still true, I found it is not to the extent that I originally believed. What I do for a living is a big part of my life, and I am proud it. I love my job, but I don't live my job. I never 'bring the job home with me'...so home and work have always been separate aspects of my life. I thought it would be the same when I had a family.

It's not the same, and never will be. I might not bring my job home with me... but from now on, the desire to be home comes to work with me. Today was one of the hardest days I have ever had. I cried all the way to work - driving in the dark, in the rain.

She is going to daycare, to someone I trust... but I can't just go pick her up whenever I want to hold her. For the first time since she was born, I realized that I can't hear her. At home, even when I was in another room, I was always listening. Consciously, unconsciously...it didn't matter, she was there, I knew it, I could hear her sleeping, screaming, cooing, breathing. Now, when I am at work, the silence is making me crazy.

I finally understand. The guilt that working mothers feel is overwhelming. The mere thought that she may need her mother and I am not there makes my throat tighten and my eyes immediately tear. You feel like someone else is raising your child. You are giving your 'exclusive rights of a mother' to another person. That there is a chance that they will experience all those ' childhood firsts' that you may only get as sloppy seconds.

All day today, I kept thinking how my days with Hailey were over.

I should know better.

I should know that they are just beginning.

I love my job, and I honestly...I wouldn't want to leave it - but I envy moms who can stay home. If I want to do what is best for Hailey, I know I need to help provide for her. Am I doing what is best for her if I go back to work? I'm not sure... but it's best for us and I guess that has to count for something.